Painful Doubts
by merder4lifetime
Summary: Post5.17-3 chapters became 13.Meredith deals with truth behind some of his words,forcing Derek to own up to consequences of drunken words and actions. Undoubtedly, written in support of the"legend",includes post engagement scene,6.12& hopeful pre SF post.
1. Chapter 1

_Definitely do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters we've come to love, especially Meredith and Derek and the hope of that love of legends we keep hearing about. As in Shattered Dreams… a therapeutic work of fiction, based on that promotional shot likely filmed and never shown. Moments of painful doubts. Just as Derek once said he was entitled to. They both entitled to them now._

**Painful doubts**

Meredith watched as he entered the trailer slamming the door behind him, shaking her head in disbelief and disappointment, but determined not to let his words shatter her resolve.

"Is that the best you've got?" she'd taunted, hoping he'd listen. "Cause I'm not bailing, we're in this together," she'd continued knowing her words fell on deaf ears, but equally determined to stand by him as he was about to walk away from her.

"GO HOME MEREDITH."

Damn him, damn him she thought as his words echoed painfully over and over again and she turned and walked to the jeep, momentarily defeated, yet realizing any words or actions at this point would prove moot. He was in no condition to listen and she was in no mood to put up with more drunken stupidity. That, however, was her first reaction. The second one, when it all sunk in, when each of the angry spiteful words he'd spat at her fully registered was much worse, and the reality of the truth behind his words made her heart ache, realizing he was right, at the very least, partly right in his accusations.

The drive to the ferry dock provided too much time to think, as the darkness of the night surrounded the car and she raced out of the desolate forty acres where minutes before all had begun to unravel. Unwanted and hated tears blurred her vision when the trailer, the spot where once he'd asked her to take it all faith and she'd began to fall in love with him, were left the behind.

She needed a drink, she thought, and wished she kept a bottle in the car. Surely, if ever there was a time that called for drinking, for drowning out his rejection in a bottle of tequila, this was it. Drowning, she mocked herself at that thought as she wiped away a tear, and got out of the car and walked to the deck willing to brave the cold. Anything was preferable to the wall of steel that was slowly taking control, squeezing the breath out of her lungs making it difficult to breathe, tightening around her heart making it impossible to breakdown and tightening around the depth of her soul, willing her not to give up. She'd told him once before, it was not the time to give up on her. This was not the time to give up on him, on them.

Meredith leaned into the railing, the cold wind pricking her skin just as his words had pricked repeatedly at her heart.

"You're incapable of anything that resembles commitment," he'd yelled at her and he was partly right. Her efforts had obviously not been enough, if he could not recognize she was fully committed to their relationship. No! She immediately berated herself. He is the one that has failed. He is the one that has failed to recognize all the steps I've taken, all that it has taken for me to be there tonight. He is the one that is afraid of commitment.

"You lied to me, you said you were healthy. You were healed," she kept hearing his words, like waves rolling in and back to sea again, gently perhaps, often mistakenly, lulling one to sleep, yet each movement further eroding the shore. Sometimes, changing the shoreline forever. Words, painful words infiltrated thoughts that begged repeatedly for gentleness. Be gentle Meredith, an inner voice hounded, for once be gentle to yourself.

"There's no fixing you," he'd said as his eyes looked at her with contempt. "You're a lemon," and that was now her undoing, a knife slicing deeply to the core. Salt on a wound yet to be healed. But, when he'd said that, she had responded without hesitation, without time to fully comprehend his words, and she did not let him get away with it. She was not going to let him throw away all they, all she had worked so hard for to be ready.

She'd yelled right back at him, that he was drunk and she understood his anger, but that it did not give him the right to say such things to her. But, he wasn't listening. He had already set the course for their future.

The crossing to the mainland felt like an eternity, almost as if time purposely stood still and forced her to face each and every word he'd hurled at her in anger. Forced her to come to terms with years of what she now recognized as abusive emotional behavior heaped upon her by her mother. Years of shutting herself off from intimate emotional involvements. Years of depriving herself of the possibilities only love could offer a soul drowning in disappointment. Years of running in order to protect the vulnerabilities of a heart longing to be nurtured, unable to sustain yet one more abandonment.

Years of avoiding, became seconds of acceptance. Acceptance of fate staring her down. Fate, defying her to turn away as she witnessed despair, contempt, self loathing, anger and doubts. Dark, painful doubts staring back at her as she faced the man she loved.

Derek, she accepted, was right in some of his accusations. There were things, so many things that had lain dormant far too long. Things they should have discussed. But, he had made one mistake. He had called her a lemon, and she was in no fucking mood to make lemonade.

The persistent and annoying knock finally got Cristina off the couch and swung open the door, much surprised to find Meredith, and even more so the look of sadness and defeat etched in her features.

"What did he do now?"

"I may have to kill Derek"

"Did he propose?"

"What…no, quite the contrary…but wait…why would you ask that," she said as she walked in, and confronted Cristina.

"It's, well, just something he'd do."

"You knew didn't you," she accused, "you knew he'd planned to propose."

"He may have told me."

"And you didn't think I should know?"

"He…I thought about it, and I mentioned it jokingly, and you did not seem to be against it. Your reaction…"

"What are you talking about Cristina," Meredith demanded a bit agitated.

"I started to tell you, when I was reading your mother's diaries, in the on call room."

Meredith thought back to recent weeks, "he didn't propose. He took all his clothes. He's at the trailer."

"Mer…that doesn't sound right, he was so excited…"

"Well, he's not anymore," she said and slumped down on the sofa.

"Is that why you want to kill him?"

"He was drunk," she said, cursing the tears quickly filling her eyes, "he said terrible things."

"Mer, I'm not his fan…but, he's been through hell this week."

"I know."

"Why do you want to kill him?"

"He called me a lemon," she said, avoiding looking at Cristina. "Basically, told me I'm defective, broken… beyond repair."

"So…" Cristina said without missing a beat, "you want me to help drag his corpse across his land and dig a hole?"

Meredith smiled, sadness weighing heavily, but was able to laugh at the suggestion, and then let the tears slowly begin to fall as the two friends sat silently, each lost in their own private heartache.

Time passed slowly, mocking their silence until neither was able to bear their burden alone and first one, then the other shared some of their inner most fears.

"What am I going to do Cristina?"

"Other than kick his ass?"

"He doesn't want me there…but I can't leave him. Somehow…I need to make him understand, I'm not running…I'm not bailing…we are in this together. I'm in this for that lifetime he wanted."

"You're going to just pretend none of this happened? Turn the other cheek and let him do this to you. Every time something goes wrong, you're going to let him hurt you? Like with that nurse?"

"I can't pretend it didn't happen. Derek accused me of not trusting him…but, he is the one not trusting me. He's going to need to learn to trust me. But, I can't let him down now Cristina…he's hit rock bottom…I get it… I've been there, but it does not give him the right to say such painful things to me. It does not give him the right to purposely hurt me."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I don't know…but somehow, I have to summon the courage to be there for him, for us, if we're going to get through this."

"You're going to let him walk all over you?"

"No, I'm going to show him I love him, and he's going to have to do the same."


	2. Chapter 2

**Painful Doubts - Chapter 2 **

"Meredith," she'd heard the uncertain, almost distant voice over the phone, a call that was long over due and desperately longed for, but one that had gone straight to voice mail. "Meredith…I know," she'd heard the hesitation again, "I know… it's not enough to say I'm sorry, but I am…and that's not enough… I know …and I get you may not want to talk to me…but… please…I need to see you…please," he'd finished, his voice hoarse and low and she'd heard the pleading tone of defeat in his voice.

Life can change in seconds, mostly when we are least expecting it, she thought as she drove through the familiar territory on his land and replayed the last hours of her day.

Briefly she cursed the interns' behavior, as having to deal with three of them was responsible for Derek's call going to voice mail. She didn't care what Bailey said, they'd never been this bad. She felt a tear escape as she thought of her own group, the five emotionally dysfunctional interns that had formed a bond which had made them family, and now one of their family was facing an almost certain death sentence.

"You wrote the book on quitting, running, hiding…" she closed her eyes for a split second as the accusation from days before still managed to make her feel raw and vulnerable. But, she'd had time, three days worth of sober worries, to realize he was doing the same thing. Except, he was slipping further into a hole and she had faced the truth of his words and agreed she may have done that, but in spite of it, or perhaps because of it, was there for him, and now he had to face his own actions and own up to deal with the issues head on.

She'd told Cristina earlier not knowing where they stood, what was going through his head, had literally made her want to throw up all day long. She had admitted she wasn't fine. That to be fine, she had to know he was. This, she thought, this realization made her smile sadly, this was apparently love. What loving someone unconditionally was about. But, that did not mean she was going to forget all he had said to her in drunken anger.

She was getting closer to the trailer. Closer to facing the man she loved. She wondered what condition he'd be in, what they would say to each other. How they would get through yet another hurdle in their tumultuous relationship.

Maybe, she'd decided during the time spent on the ferry, tonight was not the time to deal with their issues. He had called her, and there had been no hesitation when she heard his voice, she drove to see him. But now, Izzie was dying. Maybe, dealing with their issues would be secondary. Not because they weren't the most important, but because they could be put aside for another few hours, because once they dealt with them openly, and she was determined they would, once they faced each other's greatest fears, they needed time. Time to address problems whose repercussions would ultimately make or break their relationship. Problems, issues, whatever, she thought as she had her first glimpse of the trailer; the lights shining in the open darkened woods like a beacon calling her home; that once exposed, would set the course for the rest of their lives.

She'd answered his call, she thought and now driving closer to the trailer could see the lone figure sitting quietly, head bowed on the edge of the deck. That call from the man she loved had given her hope, and she did love him, had never stopped loving him. But, he'd poured salt on an open wound. He of all people knew how her mother's words had hurt, and the devastating result of some of the last words she'd uttered to her daughter on the day of her final lucidity. He had thrown words at her, painful, heartbreaking truths perhaps, that he needed to apologize for, and until he did she needed to be true to herself. True to the woman she had become, in so many ways, just as she'd promised him, but he continued to overlook.

She slowed down as she drove the last hundred yards toward him. She had lived up to her promise, because she wanted the same things he did, the marriage, kids, house and most of all that lifetime. She'd be damned if she'd go through the rest of her life waiting and wondering about the next round of angry accusations and recriminations. She'd had enough of that from her mother. She intended to hold him to his end of the unspoken bargain, and with that she expected an apology, because she intended to have a lifetime with Derek.

The jeep came to a stop, and he looked up as the door shut, their eyes met and held, conflicting emotions reflected as she walked toward him.

"Thanks for coming," he said. Regret, concern, fear and doubts clearly visible to anyone looking beyond the immediate façade and willing to see into the depth of his soul, as she was.

"Thanks for calling," she said softly, relief and hope forming an almost invisible smile as she shrugged slightly along with a soft sigh. She'd spent three days worrying about him, wanting to hear from him, talk to him and now at least she could look at him, and though she knew he was far from being fine, it was yet another small step on the rocky road to their dream house.

"I love you," he said.

"I know," she said, simply accepting. She knew he loved her. No questions asked. For now, she was willing to give him that.

"Would you still love me, if I wasn't a surgeon?"

"No," she said. Not expecting the question, she'd hesitated briefly and she saw the change, the already unusual dim light in his eyes grow dimmer, and she breached the distance between them.

"No," she repeated, as she sat next to him, silently wanting to say yes, but convinced she would not get too many chances to persuade him to go back. "Because Izzie has skin cancer that's spread to her brain," she said and watched him lower his head, "and you're about one of twenty people in the world who could save her, and I don't know if I could respect somebody," she continued and he turned his head to look at her, "that could turn away from a gift like that," silence and distance between them, "so please don't."

"Here are her scans," she spoke as she took the familiar oversized yellow envelope that held her friends diagnosis from her bag and placed them on the deck, "it's pretty bad," she said as they looked at each other, his arms crossed. Her heart filled with sorrow for her friend and overpowering emotions for the torment she knows he feels, and ever so briefly she leans slightly toward him, wanting desperately to hold him, to tell him her answer was yes. Yes, she would love him no matter what he does. Instead she walks away, because he too, must be true to himself, and only he can find the answers within.

Meredith walks away and looks back and their eyes meet.

"Don't let me down…don't let us down," her thoughts betray her.

"Don't give up on me," he silently begs, "don't walk away."

Both spent a lonely restless night, turmoil filled thoughts depriving them of much needed sleep. Each longing to be in each other's arms, eager to put this last major obstacle behind them. Each fully aware they had reached the proverbial fork in the road, and the fear of failure was unbearable.

"Mer, are you ok?" Cristina said as they walked to Izzie's room the following morning.

"I'm fine."

"I hate to agree with Mcass, but you're so far from fine when you say that."

"Stop calling him that," Meredith snapped.

"Can't see what else is fitting."

"He'll be here."

"I was referring to how he's treated you."

"Let's just worry about Izzie right now," Meredith told her right before Alex joined, "I can take care of myself."

"I hope that doesn't mean you're going to sweep all he said under the rug,"

Cristina insisted.

"I'm not, but I'm not going to walk away without fighting for a chance at our life together."

They were intercepted by Bailey before entering Izzie's room, and then Meredith exchanged a glance with Cristina, unequivocally stating, "I told you so."

Derek stood across from her, willing her to look at him, and she had. Ever so briefly met the fear and doubts in his gaze, and looked away until he'd told Izzie he'd see her in the OR, and knew she had to talk to him. She'd told Cristina she was going to show him she loved him and he'd have to do the same, but now, she realized he needed her and she was not going to let him down. There was too much at stake, the potential loses too great.

Meredith watched him, dejection in place of the man's usual assured stance, before walking in to the scrub room.

"I'm not ready," he told her.

"You can do this," she assured him, giving him some of the confidence he needed.

"How can you say that?"

"Because, I know you…I trust you."

"Do you?" He asked, and she knew they were not talking about surgery.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"You're here because you asked me to perform surgery on your friend," he said, somewhat resigned and defeated.

"I'm here because I need to be here," she said. "Look at me Derek," she insisted, and in her eyes he found so many answers, "I'm here because I want to be here, for you."

"You," he said taking a deep breath, and pursing his lips had to pause before speaking past the lump in his throat, "you…left last night."

"You know it was the only thing I could do."

"You didn't call me back."

"I showed up."

"But, you didn't talk to me…"

"Why didn't you call me before?"

"I didn't know what to say to you…if you'd listen…if you'd want to listen…if I'd screwed things up so badly you would not be willing to see me, or give me another chance."

"I told you, we're in this together. I wasn't bailing."

"But you walked away last night."

"You still have a lot of explaining to do."

"You could have stayed…we could have talked."

"It wasn't the time."

"Will there…" he asked, "will there ever be a time?"

"I hope so," she smiled softly, "because I don't intend to let you get away with calling me names. I'm no lemon Derek Shepherd," she said walking up to him, never breaking their gaze, "my mother Derek, she turned out to be a lemon…and I'm no Ellis Grey."

"Meredith," he said and she saw the regret in his eyes. "I'm sorry…" he said, and his voice broke. "Meredith…I'm so sorry."

"Sometimes, Derek…saying you're sorry just isn't enough."

"I'll make it up to you…I will…please," he pleaded. "Meredith…please, don't walk away."

"Dr. Shepherd," she said, intending to be playful, to give him a bit of lightness before walking into his first surgery, but naturally, he'd interpreted it the wrong way.

"Yes, Dr. Grey," he said, recalling the last time she'd addressed him as such, while he had been with Rose, and she saw the luster leave his eyes.

"Derek," she said immediately realizing how the conversation had taken a wrong turn.

"Yes, Dr. Grey," he replied again coldly.

"Oh, you brainless moron."

"What," he said taken aback by her attitude.

"Dr. Shepherd," she said again, bridging the distance between them, standing close to him, "I was going to remind you I have a thing for ferry boats."

"You do?" He questioned, surprised by the slight change in her.

"It's intense," she said, smiling slightly, partly restoring his faith and hopes in them, when she repeated the words he'd once said to her. "This thing I have. For ferry boats. I mean."

"Even…" he said, "even when it fails…fails miserably."

"Even then," she said, "especially then, because we all make mistakes…and…if…" she paused, and he saw the tears glimmering, "if …you love me…Derek…if you really love me…"

"I do…Meredith…I do love you."

"It's going to take more than those words Derek…"

"What…" he asked, "what will it take?"

"I don't know," she said and before she turned to walk away, placed his ferryboat cap in his hands.

"You went through my things…" he said.

"It's a beautiful day to save a life, Dr. Shepherd, and I thought you should know how I feel about …" she hesitated, before placing a very light kiss on his lips, "how intensely I love ferry boats."

He leaned in and kissed her softly, "we'll talk…after all of this, Izzie…later…we'll talk."

"Derek…"

"Yes…"

"Give me a reason…to trust you…a reason not to walk away…a reason to not want to ever take the stairs again."

"Meredith…" he said, "I do love you."

"Make me believe Derek…make me believe you want that lifetime," she said quietly, cautiously, "that what happened will not happen again," and then was unable to say anything else as Richard walked in.


	3. Chapter 3

_*** Spoiler Warning *** If you have not watched the promo scene, this includes it, which helped me to build on what I believe needs to be discussed between them before an acceptance of a proposal is truly credible. _

_This has now possibly become a five shot… because, the engagement will be part of their history, and I don't want to mess with that. After all, Grey's has given us the legend of Meredith & Derek. We'll see what happens tonight. If all goes well… then this could very well be the end of this…because, there would me nothing left to say, and his proposal we'll pretend happens right after this ended. _

_Thank you for all your comments. They are so very much appreciated._

**Painful doubts – Ch 3**

Richard spoke to Derek at length about Izzie's surgery and condition, while Meredith remained silent, but did not leave. If only, she thought, to be there for him as he got ready for his first surgery, yet allowing him the time he needed to gather his thoughts.

Meanwhile as the two men spoke, Meredith thoughts went back to their early morning conversation after Derek had arrived unexpectedly at her house, and showed her the engagement ring. She had not accepted what she guessed he thought was a grand gesture, and when she'd closed the box and put it down on the kitchen table, he'd picked it up and gone upstairs to shower.

The two men continued speaking as she was transported back to the moment she was sitting on the bed waiting for him, and when he walked out wearing a bathrobe, his movements were slow and hesitant, perfectly matching the look of defeat etched in his features.

"Derek…" she said, and when he looked at her, the luster gone from his gaze, she felt fear for the first time, that things may have gone too far, that there was no way back.

"I won't be long…and I'll be out of your hair."

"Derek Shepherd," she said, her voice raised slightly with an assertiveness she did not feel at all, "don't you dare take that tone with me."

"What do want from me Meredith?" he said, not really expecting an answer.

"What do I want? What do you want Derek?"

"You know…"

"No, Derek, I do not…and you don't get to walk in here and throw open a box with a ring…"

"I did not throw …" he started to say, and she wished for that glimpse of hope she'd seen briefly in his eyes, when he'd looked at her over the kitchen table as he showed her the ring, because now, all she saw was the dull and hopeless gaze of days past.

"A ring," she continued, totally ignoring his last comment, "which you threw away…you were drunk, and I get part of it…but you hurt me…you batted away the ring, that supposedly meant something…Derek, and you threw it away and made me feel …you of all people said things…things that…"

"Meredith," he spoke as he came closer and sat next to her, and a small part of her, a very small part, wanted to laugh at the image of a sulky ten year old, but the other had not forgotten how he'd made her feel days ago and no matter how much she did love him, it wasn't enough to sweep it all under the rug and pretend it did not happen.

"Don't say anything," she swallowed, as a she refused to acknowledge the lump forming in her throat, "don't say anything right now. I know I have lousy timing…and maybe…if I had been more open…we could have avoided hurting each other. But I didn't…and maybe it's already too late, and I don't know if we have a future together, because Derek…the things you said to me…" she did not care if he saw how she truly felt, and how his words had hurt her. "Those are not things you expect to hear from the man… who says I'm the love of his life so…maybe it's too late, maybe it's always been too late for us," she paused and softly brought a finger to the corner of her eye, hoping to keep an errant tear at bay, "except… I'm foolish enough to believe you do love me…"

"I do."

"I know you say that, but…you can't just walk in here and show me a ring and expect that's all you need to do."

"What do I need to do?"

"I don't know…" she said, and she softened a bit when she saw the genuine regret in his eyes. She knew he loved her. She had no doubts, but he could not expect to say the things he had and that she would forget and accept a half assed attempt at a proposal.

"Do you think it's too late for us?" he asked, and she could almost feel the tightness in his chest, making it difficult for him breathe as she saw his lower lip tremble, and all his insecurities rising to the surface.

"I want to believe it's not."

"I love you."

"That's not enough, not after what you said to me. Think about it…think about what it all means…because the things you said Derek…"

"I was drunk…I did not …"

"Oh…no…don't you dare tell me being drunk was an excuse. You said things you'd obviously thought about. And I'm not telling you we don't have to discuss them…in fact…some things we can't ignore anymore, but being drunk did not give you the right to say other things to me … "

"Meredith, I will always regret what I said…"

"Do you even remember what you said," she challenged, her gaze meeting his intensely.

"Yes," he said and vowed his head in shame and contempt.

"Then…you need to make me believe we do have a future, a future without that kind of behavior, and I know I'm damaged…"

"You're not…Meredith…you're not…"

"You called me a lemon…" she said, and his soul knew shame, "and you know …I've admitted I have crappy DNA, but you can't throw that in my face."

"I'm sorry…there aren't enough words for me to tell you how much I regret what I said to you, that I hurt you."

"Find a way…" she paused, "I'm still willing to trust you," she said, and for the first time she saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes.

"Can you forgive me?"

"Show me you're in this...that you're in this the way you asked of me once, and I wasn't ready Derek, but I got ready, and you don't even see that…you give me no credit for that…give me a reason to believe I'm not wrong in trusting you…I'm not wrong in hoping for the same things you do…"

"How do I prove it to you…what do I need to do?"

"That's up to you." She had said and walked out of the room.

She was so lost in her private thoughts, she did not become aware that Richard had left until Derek's voice brought her back to the present.

"You turned me down," he said taking a deep and then broken breaths, as though suddenly he'd realized the magnitude of their early morning encounter.

"Derek…" she said very softly, wanting to reassure him, she had not turned him down.

"You said no," he said, eyes filled with overwhelming sadness and hopelessness.

"I said," she repeated, as she'd done earlier that morning, "not like this."

"It's still a no," he said meeting her gaze, and then looking away.

"Derek…" she said, but he still did not meet her eyes, and she placed her hand on his arm, caressing ever so tenderly. "We deserve more than this morning…"

"You already knew I had the ring…" he mumbled, not even knowing why he'd said that.

"I did…" she agreed, her hand still moving softly over his arm, "but…you threw it away, and that hurt. It hurt a lot," she admitted openly. "And today there are other things…"

"What's more important than our future together?"

"Right now, saving Izzie's life. She's dying Derek," she said, and her eyes glistened with tears at the reality of what her friend was facing. "But, you…you and I…we still have a chance…a chance at that lifetime."

"You didn't even look at it…" he said, and she couldn't help but hide a grin at his pouting.

"I did…it's beautiful," she said absently, thinking back to the unexpected gasp that had escaped her when he flipped open the box and she saw the ring for the first time, rather than when he'd held it up to her and then batted it away.

"You just shut the lid," he said, "and pushed it away."

"I did no such thing," she said forcefully, "and stop pouting."

"I'm…not," he said, and she almost gave in to the desire to just be in his arms.

"You're not," she taunted softly. "Just like you weren't sulking after your shower this morning," she said, "do I need to remind you of that?"

He remained silent.

"Derek… I want more…I need you to make me believe it's what you want…what you really want…and you showing up this morning," she said, and raised her hand to touch his face making contact with the prickly beard, "all gruffly and sad and show me a ring after…it's not …it's…I want McDreamy damn it…that's what I want."

"You want McDreamy," he said, a bit incredulous at her small outburst, and for the first time she thought she felt the cloud of darkness begin to lift, "and instead you got McAss," he said, and she could not contain her laugh.

"You're laughing at me. I'm agonizing over all of this…how I've hurt you, that I had no idea if you would even talk to me…and Richard said we'd…"

"Richard…what does he have to do with this?"

"He told me…we could get through anything…but now, you've turned me down and you're laughing at me."

"No…" she said, and softly kissed him. "I'm not. But, that's what Cristina called you earlier."

"She has time to call me names," he said a bit annoyed, "she needs to look at her own…"

"Derek…" Meredith said in a tone that left no doubt of the reprimand.

"That was uncalled for. The situation is very serious, and I can't make light of what happened with her and Owen last night."

"Did you talk to him?"

"Yes, and I told him I could help."

"Thank you for that, for talking to him."

"He's a colleague going through hell right now, and she's your person, and you were right to be worried and tell me about it."

"Derek…" she said, realizing it was almost time for him to go into the OR and wanting, needing to reassure him before he faced his first surgery. "I did not say no."

"You said…"

"I did not say no. Think about what I've said," she said quietly, softly.

"You want McDreamy," he mumbled. "I can't believe I'm repeating that name."

"I want the man I fell in love with…"

"Do you still...still love me?"

"I'm here…aren't I?"

"Meredith…what will it take to hear you say that again?"

"Maybe I need to see the glint of hope in your eyes again…that sparkle I believe is reserved only for me…that glimpse I see only when you are looking at me and I get lost in your eyes…and I can dream…and hope…for our future together."

"I need you to say yes…" he whispered, the reflection of his soul penetrating her gaze.

"You haven't really asked…" she said, and leaning in to him brushed his lips with a tender kiss, then smiled.

_Author's note 27Mar - Elevator Love Letter and everything he said was perfect...FINALLY. The I love you seemed very appropriate. __But.....definitely need another part to this...think will call it "Engagement Sex"_

_Glad I wrote ch 3 earlier, I'm pretending that Derek's comment to Richard that she forgave him for the woods... is because they had a similar conversation to this Chapter 3 and it allows me to pick up right where they left off...so yes, one more part._

_I got a kick out of Meredith bringing the ferry cap and that Richard had been there in the scrub room with him!_

_Thanks for reading, this chapter could have been the end, let me know if there is any interest in posting the next chapter here, as there are only 3 reviews for the last update._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N 29MAR - Thanks for reading. There was one review that did want to read this next chapter. So, C/SB, posting it for you and the other 3 reviewers. The Elevator scene was quintessentially Meredith and Derek, and felt strongly it would become part of their history, and did not want to mess with that. It lived up to all my expectations, except…it ended to soon, and we don't know if, how, when, she got the ring! This stands alone…for now…we'll see what happens when Grey's returns, and maybe…if there's still gaps to fill, I may have some words to write. I've chosen to phrase certain sentences in a way that definitely could provide interesting foreshadowing, and it's done in all three previous chapters. I'm going to wait and see what SR has in store for us. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy my interpretation of what followed, it's far from what we'll see, but it felt like a nice way to wrap it all up. If you don't, please let me know that as well. Warm regards, Jasmin _

**Ch 4 – Engagement Sex **

Their eyes never once left the other's as he spoke.

"I love you Meredith Grey," he paused as his lips turned, ever so quickly you'd almost miss it, to a small smile. "And I want to spend the rest of my life…with you."

She took a small breath of air before she answered, softly, her voice filled with emotion, "and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

The words had been said and hope filled their hearts as they leaned in toward each other and kissed.

Wonder filled glances, light tender caresses and countless longing kisses sealed the commitment of words pledged minutes earlier.

"You said yes," he smiled as they gazed in each other's eyes, their last kiss leaving them breathless.

"You had doubts?" she asked as she softly brushed his lips with her, her hand caressing his face.

"You did earlier…twice…"

"How could I possibly turn clean shaven McDreamy down…" she said, and all their doubts were lifted, as their carefree laughter echoed within the small confines of the elevator walls, where one fateful day lust and desire had dictated feelings for two lovers fated to be soul mates.

"Indeed," he said, holding her close to him, their smiles reflecting the overpowering significance of the moment, as her hand rested gently against his heart.

"Derek…" she smiled, their gazes never leaving the other.

"Ummm…" he said as he leaned into kiss her again.

"There's something missing…"

"What…" he said, as he smiled, knowing full well she meant the ring, but, he'd already decided to give it to her later.

"Sex," she answered, and grinned, just as he'd done long ago, and their laugher again resonated within the four usually cold steel panels that had been transformed into an exquisite love letter for all times.

He captured her lips in a kiss that promised nothing had been or would be forgotten, and then, his heart skipped a beat as she threw her arms around his neck.

"Derek," she said, before he heard the soft broken breath, "I love you," and held on to him tightly, "I love you so much."

"I love you Meredith," he said, his words almost a reverent promise, as he held her and gently caressed her back.

"We…" she said a few moments later when she slightly pulled away to look at him, "we're engaged…we're getting married?"

"That's usually what being engaged means," he teased her, and he saw the one lone tear escape the corner of her eye and his lips stopped its descent. "You're turning all sentimental on me."

"Me," she said, and didn't care that another tear escaped, "look around…"

"You deserved more than this…" he said, and just then he felt the unwelcome vibration of a message being delivered.

"Oh no," she said, as he looked at the offending device.

"It's Owen."

"What's wrong?" she asked immediately.

"I don't know. I'm sorry, Meredith, but I have to find out."

"Of course," she agreed, and leaned up to kiss him, "besides, I don't think we'd have been able to stay in here much longer before maintenance came knocking."

"That," he said, and her body melted with his look, their look, "was taken care of by Richard standing guard for as long as it took for you to say yes."

"He knew…no wonder," she laughed, and then took his phone and took a picture, then another.

"What are you doing?"

"Recording this…for our children," she said softly, and looked away wanting to hide some of the emotion, the possibility of which, those words had recently evoked, "for our family."

"I love you Meredith," he smiled before kissing her one more time, and then carefully, both began to remove the history of their story from the once cold, clinical walls of an elevator.

"Well," Richard asked when the doors slid open, "did you say yes?" He asked addressing Meredith.

"What do you think?"

"After all the work we put into this, you better have said yes young lady."

"We put into this," Derek laughed.

"Yes, I was the one guarding the elevator so she wouldn't take the wrong one, you ungrateful," Richard said trying to hide his amusement, "she's one stubborn lady, always has been."

"She's perfect," Derek said, as he drew her close to him.

"I believe you are perfect for each other," Richard agreed. "Congratulations," he said and extended his hand to Derek, and hugged them both.

"Thank you," Meredith smiled. "You were right, about taking this elevator…even if I thought your behavior was questionable earlier."

"All right then. It's been a very good day. Go off and celebrate."

"About that," Derek said somberly, "we need to talk," and lead the three of them to his office.

Meredith spent the next hours with her friend, and sensitive to Cristina's ordeal contained the joy in her heart, that so uncharacteristically longed to be voiced. Steadfast and loyal, she was there first of all for her person, and the long pauses of silence further strengthened their friendship, accentuating the poignancy of their day.

"Hey," Meredith said quietly as she answered Derek's call. "Is everything ok?"

"Not too cut and dry, there's a lot more to this," he told her. "How is Cristina?"

"Ummm…"

"Can't talk."

"Not really."

"You're going to stay," he stated, accepting the bond between them, and resigned to spending the night alone. As Meredith had reminded him, Cristina had been there for her when he wasn't.

"I think so," she said, "I'm sorry."

"I understand. She's your friend, and she needs you."

"I'll see you in the morning," Meredith said softly.

"I'd like to kiss you goodnight."

Meredith smiled, "we can do that. I'll meet you downstairs in a few minutes, and then you can go home."

"What," Cristina said suddenly, "what are you talking about?"

"Derek, let me know when you're downstairs," Meredith said before disconnecting the call.

"Why did you tell him you'd see him in the morning?"

"Because, I'm going to stay."

"No. No you are not." Cristina said empathically.

"Cristina…"

"Meredith, no."

"You need me here."

"You were. Now, you need to go home."

"You are not going to tell me what to do, not after the day you've had."

"Mer…you're engaged. McAss turned McDreamy again and proposed."

"Leave it to you," Meredith smiled at her friend, "to say that now."

"I'm selfish Mer, but this is your day. You need to be with him. That's what my person needs tonight."

"But…you, what happened today…"

"It's not going away. I'll still need my person," she said, an admission not often heard. "But, not tonight."

"Cristina, Derek's ok with it."

"But I'm not," she said simply, ending any further discussion. Thus when Derek called, Meredith turned to her friend.

"If you need me, call me," she said before she got ready to close the bedroom door.

"Mer…"

"Yes…" she stopped to look back at Cristina.

"Tell Shepherd…Derek, tell him I said thank you."

Meredith nodded, and both friends understood how grateful she was for that concession from Cristina toward Derek, "he'll appreciate that."

Derek was lost in thought and did not hear her walk out of the building, and she surprised him when she sat next to him on the bench and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Hey," Derek said, "I thought you were only coming downstairs for a good night kiss."

"Looks like you have me all night," she said as she looked up to him, "unless you prefer to sleep alone."

"Who's thinking of sleeping," he smiled and kissed her.

"That's what I was hoping…" she teased him.

"How is she?"

"This is bad."

"Yeah…" he admitted, "it is," and forgetting their own bubble of happiness, spent several minutes discussing their friends and their individual thoughts about it. "She's right Mer, he is wounded, and his pain is not something you can cut away and make it better."

"I've never seen her like this, not even about Burke."

"We'll be rooting for them…" he smiled at her.

"Derek, I don't think…"

"Meredith…what were the odds in our favor?"

"You're turning into a sentimental romantic…oftentimes brainless man."

"But, you love me."

"I do."

"I think we've earned ourselves a celebration," he said as his lips met hers.

"I think we have."

"Are you ready to go?"

"Derek…" she said smiling up to him as he extended his hand to her, the promise of seduction in her eyes.

"Uhmmm…"

"Take me for a ride Derek…"

He took her in his arms and swirled her around, his happiness too great to ignore.

"The ride of our lives," he mumbled against her mouth, and they laughed as he pressed her body intimately close to his and deepened their kiss, giving in to the hours and days of longing they had waited to be in each other's arms.

"Derek," she said, still a bit breathless, "I really want to go home…but…"

"What…you're already reneging on that ride…" he teased her.

"No," she smiled and he was delighted to hear her soft carefree laugh, "but I need nourishment for the night ahead. I'm starving Derek. I could hardly eat lunch today…worrying about Izzie…and you, especially you. I swear just looking at food today made me nauseous, so now, you have to feed me."

"I'd planned on it," he said, "come on, let's go grab something to eat."

"Pizza would be fine Derek, something quick, we don't have …"

"I think Joe's appropriate don't you think, where it all began," he grinned, "before you took advantage of me."

"Before you got me drunk and took advantage," she teased him, "get your stories straight Shepherd."

"Whatever you say," he said ignoring her comment, and opened the passenger door.

"Derek," she said, as he leaned in to kiss her, "I'm glad you took advantage."

"Glad you did too," he said and the laughter was music to their ears.

"Dr. Shepherd, Meredith…" Joe called out to them the moment the bells on the door signaled their entrance. "I've got your seats reserved…"

"He had our seats reserved," Meredith mocked him, "you were pretty sure of yourself," she laughed as they walked to the seats where they had indeed met.

"Mer," he said more seriously when they sat down, "there was no other option…Richard made me see that…he helped me see I could not give up."

"You were going to give up?" she said incredulously.

"You'd turned me down twice."

"Ok, you know what," she said in a bossy tone, "you are not going to ruin this…the most perfect proposal ever…and it was…I said no when you were being an ass and insensitive, just putting a ring in front of me and thinking I could say yes."

"Mer," he joked, leaning in to her, "you're getting bossy…already…and we haven't even been engaged a full day."

"You like me bossy, so live with it," she told him, though there was nothing but amusement in her tone.

"I plan on it. For a lifetime."

"You owe me 110 years Derek, don't forget it," she said, just as Joe placed two shots of tequila and a glass of single malt scotch in front of them.

"You remember…" he said, and she saw his gaze turned emotional.

"How could I ever forget," she said leaning in to kiss his lips.

"Meredith…" he said, and she detected a hint of nervousness in his voice, "when you told me we were missing something…I thought you meant your ring…"

"My ring…" she said, and he caught the glimpse of melancholy and sadness in her eyes.

"I didn't give it to you…"

"I know…" she said.

"Will you," he said, as he held the box in his hands and opened it revealing the ring, "accept it now?"

Tears gathered as their eyes met, the last shred of doubts and fears mutually reflected in their gazes, and suddenly all were erased and replaced with the hope and love of the last hours with a simple nod and a quiet whisper, "yes."

Derek took the ring and placed it on her finger, and she did nothing to hide her emotions, and he tasted her tears on his lips as they kissed.

"Oh my God, you just proposed…and you accepted…here …how perfect and romantic, exactly where you met, and I never suspected that' s why you wanted these seats, this is amazing…" Joe stared at them, "I can't wait to tell Walter…Dr. Shepherd…"

"Joe, I think Derek is just fine," the neurosurgeon grinned.

"Derek…congratulations," he said and came around and pulled Meredith in a bear hug, "Meredith…oh my God it all started here and he proposed here..."

"Actually Joe," she smiled, "he proposed and I said yes in an elevator."

"What…in an elevator, what kind of proposal is that?"

"The perfect one," Meredith smiled and leaned to kiss Derek. "I'm sure you'll hear about it from the rumor mill," Meredith laughed, "but…this," she said as she held up her ring, "this also happened in the perfect place."

"It's not a secret is it…I don't have to keep this quiet…"

"No," Derek said, "not at all."

"This is great…you get engaged and Izzie's ok…double celebrations…all right everybody listen up…we have some news…"

"Joe, wait, not yet," Meredith said as she saw Lexie and Mark at a nearby table.

"You just said."

"Give us a few minutes," she said.

"But, I get to say something before you leave?"

"Yes, but first, we want something to eat," Meredith said and ordered for them, "and I want to tell Lexie first."

Derek stiffened, "she's with Mark."

"Yes."

"I'm not going over there," he said pouting.

"You don't have to," she said softly, "but I don't want my sister to find out when Joe makes the announcement."

"He's been an ass."

"You both acted like children," she scolded mildly, "and I understand how it all happened. But if anyone should be ready to wield a pitchfork it's me, but she has been happy, and he doesn't seem to be playing with her feelings."

"He can't be trusted," Derek replied.

"That may be so, but right now, I don't want my sister to find out through Joe's announcement that we're engaged. So, I'm going to go and talk to her, and show her what a beautiful ring you got me," and before he had a chance to say anything else, she got up, grabbed their drinks and walked over to her sister's table, and reluctantly Derek followed.

"Hi Mark, Lexie…"

"Grey…"

"Hey Mer," Lexie smiled at her, "Derek great surgery today, you were amazing."

"Thanks Lexie…"

"Can we join you for a few minutes?" Meredith asked.

"Mer…" Derek began to protest.

"Our meal's not ready," she said, and placed his glass of scotch in his hand and sat down, "and I think it's appropriate we make a toast …don't you?"

"Mer…" Lexie exclaimed excitedly as her sister sat in front of her, and she caught sight of the engagement ring. "He did it…Derek…you finally did it!"

"Finally…" Meredith repeated a bit confused that Lexie would say that.

"Oh yes… Mer…he's been carrying the ring around forever, trying to find the perfect way to propose, even Mark helped."

"Lexie," Mark warned.

"What…you two really need to stop acting like children, apologize and get on with it."

"Apologize," both mean grumbled at the same time.

Meredith smiled, "that may not be a bad idea, even if it doesn't have to be now."

"Mer…it's beautiful," Lexie said holding her sister's hand and admiring the ring, "I mean I'd seen it…but now that you're wearing it looks even prettier…and such a special and sentimental meaning…"

Derek stopped her, shaking his head, "it is, very special that she accepted."

Meredith and Lexie carried on with the conversation as the two men refused to speak with each other, though they did participate in regard to the successful outcome of Izzie's surgery.

Joe walked over to them, "your order's about to come out, can I make an announcement now?"

"Not yet, but, you can when we get ready to leave," Meredith conceded, and smiled as she willingly allowed her private life to be made public. Meanwhile, before they walked away, Mark got up, a small concession, Meredith thought. "Derek, Meredith's right, this deserves a toast. Congratulations, you're a lucky man, you both are, to have found each other."

The foursome raised their glasses, as both Mark and Lexie said, "cheers."

"Thanks," Derek said, and accepted a handshake and Mark kissed Meredith's cheek, while Lexie was more demonstrative and gave them both a hug.

"See," Meredith said as they walked away, and she held his hand, "that wasn't so bad."

"I did it for you."

"I know, and I appreciate that," she said and sat down.

"You forgot your drink, I'll get it."

"It's ok," Meredith said, "Joe brought two," and smiled, surprised he had not noticed she'd barely sipped the drink earlier as they toasted their engagement. "Derek, what was Lexie talking about?"

"What do you mean," he attempted to divert the conversation.

"Don't play stupid," she glared at him, as she continued to eat.

"Tell you later."

"So there's something to tell…"

"Maybe…"

"Derek…"

"I'll give you all the details, later. Now, I just want to get out of here and be alone with you."

"I can live with that," she smiled indulgently.

"Do you want dessert?"

"Yes…"

"What do you want to order?"

"Derek…I was thinking, I'd rather have dessert…" she teased, "at home…"

"Thank God," he laughed, and kissed her. "Let's go," he said as he placed bills on the counter.

"Not so fast," Joe stopped them, and went on to make his announcements. First of Izzie's successful surgery, followed by congratulations to the couple, and indeed before they left, heard the cheers and clapping, and accepted well meaning wishes.

"You didn't drink…" he observed when they toasted and she put down the tequila.

"I don't need anything but you tonight…"

"Mer…that's…"

"I can be as sentimental and corny and all as I want tonight…"

"Yeah," he smiled. It was their look. That one reserved only for her, and he took her breath away.

"Derek," Meredith whispered in his ear as Joe spoke, "you were right."

"About what…"

"If I knew you…" she smiled, looking softly into his eyes, "I would love you."

"Thank you…" he said as he took a deep breath.

"For what?"

"Forgiving me…still loving me…" he said without looking away.

"Derek…" she admitted, "I've never stopped loving you."

"Oh…Meredith," he said, as he embraced her, and this moment, the two of them, oblivious to everyone around them, was all that mattered.

Derek called the hospital to check on Izzie's condition as they drove home, her hand in his, the energy in the car sizzling with anticipation as they knew they were minutes away from being able to give in to their desires.

"It's just us tonight," he said as they walked in the door, and he reached for her and kissed her.

"Uhmmm…no noise controls required…" she spoke against his lips.

"When do we ever care," he said and their laughter echoed through the house.

"Tell me what Lexie was talking about…"

"Are you sure that's what you want to talk about now," he asked, his voice low and hoarse as he continued to kiss her, their tongues engaged in a frantic age old ritual.

"Later…" she said breathlessly, "much later…" and they gave in to their baser desires without making it to her bedroom.

"I've missed you…" he said much later as he wrapped his arms around her, their naked bodies on the couch as they lay on top of a fondly remembered lavender throw.

"Derek," she smiled.

"Uhmmm…"

"Does this remind you of anything," she said and pointed to the floor.

"What…" he said as he looked up at her and then noticed the cushions on the floor before he roared with laughter.

"Even sober…"she laughed, "you took advantage of me."

"I took advantage…" he said as his mouth found her neck, "I seem to remember…"

"Derek," she said as his body pressed more intimately to hers, "want to take advantage again?"

"Mutual…" he said, "mutual advantage…"

"How about the shower…I miss the shower…"

"Your wish…"

"Stop talking," she said and captured his lips, and they teased and enticed each other all the way to the second floor shower.

He held her close to him, spooning her body, sated and exhausted. But, in spite of their lack of sleep Meredith whispered to him, "are you asleep?"

"Uhmmm…"

"Derek…"

"Mer…it's the middle of the night…"

"How do you know…"

"It's dark out…"

"Derek…" she insisted, and turned to her side to face him, and began to gently caress his chest, his shoulders and her lips followed.

"You're not going to let me sleep," he said as he opened one eye, though he certainly could be talked into given up a night of sleep.

"You never told me what Lexie was talking about…you showed her the ring?"

"You want to stay up to talk…"

"I'm not sleepy…well, I'm tired…but I'm not sleepy…I feel like…I've got all this…"

"Yes," he said, as he brought his mouth to hers and silenced her.

"I thought you wanted to sleep," she teased him, as she felt his desire for her.

"I was wrong," he smiled, and cupped her face, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Talk later…"

He laughed, "I love your faith in me…" he mocked, and he knew she referred to them making love again so soon.

"Don't forget it," she smiled.

"When my mom was here," he began, and as he continued to tell the story he saw the change in her, and before he knew it she was crying.

"Meredith…Mer…why are you crying…"

"It's…it's your mother's ring…" she whispered in awe, while shocked by the implications.

"She wanted you to have it…I told you what she said…" he said soothingly, "I thought you'd like that…"

"You…you threw it away…" she said, and he saw the heartache in her eyes, "you threw it away," she repeated and turned away from him and got up from the bed.

"Meredith," he followed her, and wrapped his arms around her, "I'm sorry…I'm sorry."

"It's not about me…it's what it meant…and what you did…"

"Why…" he said, "why do you think I was so tormented…not only had I driven you away, hurt you…and didn't know if I'd ever get a chance to make it up to you, that you could forgive me…but I'd also shamed the memory of my parent's marriage," he said, and his voice shook with emotion, and she knew his shame and regret were real.

"She can never know, Derek…you can never tell her, you can't hurt her like that."

"Don't you think I know…" he said in defeat.

"Yes," she said softly, "I believe you do…" and wrapped her arms around him. "We're a mess Derek…sometimes, we're really a mess," she said and pulled him back to bed, where she allowed him to hold her.

"That's it…" he said, surprised she said nothing else.

"You want me to fight with you?"

"You were crying a few minutes ago…and now…"

"It's been a emotional day, Derek…I'm entitled to that. We both made mistakes…and we're not going to keep rehashing this last week…but Derek…no more running or quitting or hiding…no more moving out and walking away from our problems…you know I have abandonment issues…you can't do that anymore…I need you…and I'm trusting you to be there…like you promised. That you're always going to show up…Derek…for me…for us," she said softly…"for us…for our family…"

"For our family…" he said, amazed of how forgiving she had been over the last week, and in reality over so much that had happened between them.

"Yes…" she said softly, "one day, unless," she said quietly, treading on unchartered territory, "you were trying to tell me something…with all the sonograms and baby pictures."

"Only…" he smiled, "that they got a second chance…and they had a chance at a future, many of them, thanks to you. And I needed you to give me another chance…and you did."

"Derek…"

"Yes…"

"Do you know how much it means to me…to be wearing your mother's ring?"

"I believe I do…"

"She liked me…when you told me that, she really meant it," she said, and as their gazes locked, all the emotions of the day were reflected as he looked into the depth of her soul.

"She did," he assured her, and reached for her hand, "she knew you were the only one for me."

"She never gave it to her…" she whispered, her eyes glimmering.

"She never liked her."

"Derek…you were married eleven years…"

"And she met you…and knew you were the one…the only one."

"I have to thank her…" she said. "Even if I'm not good with mom's," she asked uncertain, "don't you think?"

"I think she would love that…" he whispered, as he kissed her tenderly.

"I should call her…maybe…but… you'd have to be there, I can't do it alone."

"We'll do it together."

"Derek…"

"Uhmmm…"

"If you ever walk away from our problems again…"

"I won't…"

"If you do," she thought of what to say, because deep down, she was convinced the worst was indeed behind them, and there was nothing they would not be able to face together in the future. "I'll have to tell your mother."

"You're going to blackmail me?"

"I'm going to keep you in line…you brainless …"

"Ass…" he supplied, and they both smiled, wanting to put all of the hurt behind them.

"Derek…what else was there, Lexie said Mark helped you."

"Mer…not now…it's …"

"Derek…please…"

"Fine," he agreed, not wanting to see disappointment in her eyes again, told her the story.

"That," she laughed, "would have been horrible…I mean, not horrible, if you'd gone through with it I'm sure I'd have said yes, but …oh my God, Derek, that was the rose petal I found under the pillow."

"You found a rose petal?" he questioned. "But you didn't say anything."

"Things happened so fast after that with Addison here and everything else," she looked at him and laughed, "only you…"

"What…what now?"

"You set up this corny…tacky proposal…poor Lexie if they ever get to that…"

"Your sister would probably like that," he laughed, and their hands intertwined.

"Yes, you're right. Though I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Ask my mother."

"What?"

"We're not talking about that tonight, I draw the line there."

"Fine," she laughed, "you set up this proposal…and the same night have Addison show up…and you leave rose petals behind…really Derek…roses! Don't ever get me those…and don't ever write me a song."

"Oh…God," he groaned, "I'm doomed."

"Derek," she laughed, "don't be such an idiot."

"You've just …"

"We've just …put the past behind us…your proposal…that elevator proposal…said everything I've ever needed to hear…and I can put all that behind us."

"I won't ever hurt you like that again…"

"I'm sure we will Derek, life will throw curve balls we don't anticipate. But, what I do know, just like you said…we can survive anything."

"I love you Meredith."

"Make love to me Derek," she said, bridging the distance between them, faces mere inches away, as her lips found his, "let's spend the rest of this night…making love to each other."


	5. Chapter 5

Debated about posting this before the next episode, but there's every reason to believe when 5.20 Sweet Surrender begins, it is not the day after, at least not if Izzie is walking around as she is the morning after brain surgery. So, I'll attempt to fill in the blanks, and if I'm way way off base… will delete the chapter, because what we see on Grey's this week may just exceed our expectations. Whether there are more chapters, now that the 3 part one shot – seems "shot" chapters depend on next episodes, as this my just become a "fill in the blanks" post story. However, it will definitely end with the season finale.

If you've been reading this story, you know I've been hinting at this idea since the first chapter, so now, all the more reason to play with it a little more…it's a short chapter, but there'll be another "fill in the blanks" tomorrow.

**Ch 5 **–

The rays of the early morning sun filtered their way through the thin curtains, a light breeze penetrating the slightly open windows, light and shadowy patterns reflected on the crimson sheets and bare skin of two lovers, sated and fulfilled, after a night of mutual pleasures.

"Shut it off," Meredith mumbled groggily, knowing he would, as he did most mornings, before she would willingly open her eyes and face the new morning.

He reached over her and hit the snooze of the offending alarm, and snuggled closer to her, much as they'd done sporadically during a night when sleep had not been a priority.

Eyes closed he breathed in her scent, lightly kissing her naked back, fondly remembering the passion filled hours.

"You're smiling," she said, a smile upon her lips as his touched her skin.

"Uhmmm…"

"Why…"

"Why am I smiling," he said, as she felt his lips on her skin, and his mouth began a playful and thorough exploration of the back of her neck, traveling along her shoulder leaving a trail of kisses, her body tingling with anticipation of the inevitable morning lovemaking, "need I remind you."

Shifting his body as she turned to lie on her back, they smiled into each other's eyes, their faces barely inches apart as his body covered hers and his mouth captured hers while the proverbial clocked ticked away as they teased and enticed the other, "I love you Meredith," he said upon her lips, and his hands caressed her body, eliciting soft moans that further sparked his desire, only to be temporarily doused by the persistent noise of the alarm lock.

He groaned in protest and reached over to silence the annoying reminder. "Mer…a quickie…we have time…"

"Yes," she said, and uncaring of clocks or schedules surrendered to the all too familiar and intoxication sensations of being loved by the man that hours earlier she'd committed to spend her life with.

Their mutual fulfillment had echoed through the empty house, and now they lay bodies entwined, still intimately joined as they basked in the intensity of their lovemaking.

"Mer…" he said, lightly panting, "that was…"

"Engagement sex," she smiled, "Derek, not sure if…"

"Not sure…" he said, tightening his embrace, "of what…Meredith, you can't pull away now…"

"I think…" she teased, referring to their existing position, "that's out of my control…"

"You tease," he smiled, "but, you actually have total control…"

"You're probably right," she laughed, "but..." she paused, bodies still joined, "that was a log longer than a quickie, and I …"

"Yes," he nibbled her lips, and she was almost caught up in his all too persuasive caresses.

"Oh my God…Derek," she said a surprised expression on her face.

"What," he said, as he felt her begin to pull away from him, "Mer…"

"Derek…I can't believe…we've done this again…"

"Meredith," he joked, "we've been doing this all night."

"No, I mean… this is the second time we forget…Derek…in less than a month…"

"Mer, what are you talking about?"

"Careless Derek…again…twice…we just…"

"Careless…" he questioned.

"You can't possibly be so brainless, condoms Derek…twice …quickies and no condoms…and for all we know…"

"Meredith…are you thinking," he smiled, and their gazes locked, "could you be…"

"No," she answered almost too quickly, reluctant to reveal some of her recent thoughts, "I mean…we have a lot of sex Derek…and that's always a possibility, but, no…I don't…it was only once before…and now…and I don't think…"

He silenced her, first with a soft kiss, then with his words. "Would it be so bad…"

Blue expectation met grey green vulnerability as their eyes remained on the other, and glimpsed into a myriad of unexpected emotions that reflected back, some even mirroring his own.

"Derek…" she said softly, "it, it wouldn't be something we've planned…"

"We're getting married…" he smiled.

"We are, but…"

"I love you Meredith, and if by chance…" he paused, and cupped her face, "our love…and passion for each other…made us forget…"

"You're not," she asked, again, her thoughts betraying recent ponderings, "wouldn't be upset, that it's …"

"Meredith," kissed her softly, "would you?"

"Derek," she said, "I don't think I'm pregnant now, but, today…"

"You didn't answer my question," he insisted.

"I've been thinking," she admitted, partially revealing some of what she'd been feeling since she brought up having babies and crappy DNA. "I never thought I'd be talking about having babies, but I did…I brought it up, and you freaked out."

"I did not freak out," he argued.

"Yes, you did…Derek, you avoided me and I had to bring it up, and even you agreed I have crappy DNA" she continued, and her mind began to wander, as it had in the past days, wondering if there was more to her nauseous feelings than Derek's hermit days in the woods.

"Meredith," he insisted, and leaned in to kiss her, "I said I wanted all your babies…"

"All my crappy babies," she reminded him.

"Mer…you're right," he began to say.

"What," she said, suddenly taking offense, "you ass…you think I'm going to have crappy babies."

"No…Meredith, I do not…" he smiled, "that night, I would have agreed to anything you said, trying to keep my plans from you."

"Your plans?" she questioned.

"Yes…my plans, which fortunately went awry," he said, "because, it would have been the most inappropriate proposal ever…"

"That," she smiled, "that was the night you were going to propose, with flowers and teddy bears and all the other cliché…"

"Yes…" he told her, and suddenly her lips were on his, and in their kiss, all doubts and misunderstandings were forgotten.

"Derek, I'm glad you didn't propose that night," she smiled, kissing him softly again and snuggling into him.

"Really?"

"Yes…because, last night was perfect."

"I was so afraid," he said as he caressed her face.

"Why?"

"Afraid you couldn't forgive me, after hurting you…again…and batting you ring away…"

"Derek…I love you. That made forgiving you easy…" she told him, and her eyes misted, "because…the other option," a tear escaped, "being apart…was unbearable."

"I love you Meredith."

"I know."

"I'll make it up to you…I will."

"You already have…no going back. Derek…we're getting married, no more going back, ok?"

"Ok," he said, his own eyes misting, as he smiled, and in her eyes found forgiveness, as she saw hope restored in his.

"Derek…"

"Yes…"

"We are going to be so late…"

"Everyone will just accept we were delayed by sex…" he joked, "engagement sex…"

"Derek," she laughed, "people don't even know we're engaged."

"Mer," he teased her, "this is Seattle Grace. We were at Joe's last night…gossip travels fast."

"Oh…yeah…" she giggled slightly, and they shared one last kiss before reluctantly accepting they needed to get out of bed.

"Meredith," he smiled at her, cocking his head just the way that made her heart skip a beat.

"Derek…" she smiled back.

"Meredith," he cupped her face in one hand, his thumb gently caressing her chin, "one day…we're going to have extraordinary babies."


	6. Chapter 6

_After last chapter I mentioned the next one "tomorrow" but work was beyond hectic all of April. We spoke to over 2500 kids with the There's No Excuse for child abuse! message and distributed 300,000 brochures and that took priority. You can imagine how __I felt about Thursday's episode, to see Meredith as an advocate for a child suffering the pains of domestic violence._

_Trying to stay as close to Grey's as possible and just adding a scene here and there, some of which (not all) would have been nice to see on screen, and just filling in the gaps and playing with some possibilities. This picks up after Sweet Surrender and continues with No good at saying sorry. Know it can never happen on screen, but we know Meredith and Derek must talk…or they would not be where they are right now._

_I hope this is the last chapter, because that will mean all of us Meredith & Derek fans will be happy with the 100th episode. The wedding site was a fabulous marketing strategy and the gift registry very worthwhile giving. I've donated on all three, and IF they get married next week will triple my total donation._

**Ch 6 - Revelations**

Derek walked in the kitchen and grabbed two beers, "Lexie, Mark thought you'd want to watch the end of the game, do you mind taking him a beer?"

"I…he did," she said looking over at her sister, "why…" she said a bit anxious again as she reached for the recently abandoned Twinkie, but Meredith stopped her.

"I don't know," Derek smiled as he walked to Meredith's side, and handed Lexie the bottle, "he said you enjoy watching some games with him."

"Sure…yes, I do…but…" she blurted, "ok, I can't stand this…your fight's over right, please tell me you're not going to go back to that silent hostility, because I can't afford to gain any more weight. Mer's right, my ass is humongous, and I'm going to be her bridesmaid, I can't be fat, so…you better not be…"

"Shep, what's taking so long…" Mark said without revealing he'd heard the last of the conversation, and stood next to Lexie. "Did he ask you to come watch the end of the game with me?"

"Yes…he did, but…you two, you can't fight anymore or else …"

"We're not," Mark told her, and kissed her lips, "and by the way," he teased her when she got up to join him, "I love your ass."

"Mark," Meredith told him, "that's my little sister…"

"Yes, Grey…I know," he smiled and grabbed Lexie's hand as they walked out together.

"Derek…"

"Uhmmm," he said, and standing behind her kissed the top of her head.

"What was that all about, this afternoon you two were being hard headed and childish, and now it's as though that stupid fight didn't happen at all...when did you two apologize?"

"Mer," he said, and took Lexie's seat. "Men don't do that…we just, it's over."

"Really," she said, "just like that?"

"Yeah…"

"So why didn't you just apologize when I asked you to? I asked that you do it for me?"

"I told you, it's a men thing."

"It's an idiot thing," she said. "Seriously Derek, neither of you were willing to apologize for either one of us."

"Are you so sure of that," he said as he reached across the table and placed his hand over hers.

"You didn't," she said, "it wasn't enough that I asked you."

"The fact you asked me is the reason we're talking Meredith," he said, and told her about his conversation with Mark during the surgery and after they spoke to the patient's wife.

"Why would he say that, Mark I mean, that he's the Shepherd's charity case?"

"Shep," Mark called out, "you're missing one hell of a game."

"Go on," she smiled and stifled a yawn, "we can talk later."

"It's ok," he said, and got up and leaned down to kiss her. "Why don't you go up to bed, you look tired."

"I am tired, and I've been sleepy since this afternoon."

"I'll be up in about twenty minutes, game's almost over," he said extending his hand to her and putting his arms around her when she got up, "I love you."

"Me too," she smiled and kissed him softly. "Derek, make sure we have condoms…not sure there's any in the cookie jar, not after Iz cleaned up when your Mom visited."

"There are condoms in the nightstand drawer," he smiled. "I made sure of it after what you said this morning."

Derek walked in their room after taking a shower and remained quiet, it was just after ten but Meredith was on her side sleeping. He slipped into bed and reached for her, smiling as she instinctively sought the warmth of his body. They could both use some hours of uninterrupted sleep.

"Hey…" she said, and as earlier, stifled a yawn.

"Thought you were sleeping," he said, and kissed the back of her neck.

"Trying to stay awake."

"Why?" He said, running his hands along the curves of her body. "You should get some sleep."

"I haven't spent any time with you all day," she said, snuggling closer to him, "not since this morning and a few minutes at the hospital."

"And when you were being bossy," he teased, "ordering me to apologize to Mark for everyone to hear."

He felt her body become tense as soon as he spoke. "I'm sorry," she said.

"Hey," he soothed, shifting their bodies so they faced each other. "I'm joking," he said, and leaned in to kiss her lips softly, "I hope you know that."

The smile did not reach her eyes, so he knew there'd been a moment of doubt, which fortunately since they had moved in together had become less frequent.

"Derek, now that you and Mark spoke, does that mean he's your best man?"

"It does."

"I'm glad," she smiled, a genuine smile this time. "Makes things much easier for Lexie."

"She seemed happy to be your bridesmaid," he said, continuing to caress her body.

"She was actually surprised, which I don't get, since she's my sister."

"Meredith," he smiled indulgently, "it has not been all that easy between you."

"Derek, she's been living here since you brought her home, apparently so Mark wouldn't, and look where that got us," she laughed.

"I was proud of you Meredith, even if I was a jerk and didn't apologize to Mark when you asked me. I was proud you were standing up for your sister."

"It's kind of hard not to," she told him, "she was so willing to accept me right away, and even when I tried to alienate her, she didn't give up."

"You're her sister."

"She's my sister," she smiled. "A sister that apparently eats when she's stressed."

"What was that comment about her getting fat, I haven't noticed her …"

"You better not be noticing her ass," she joked.

He pulled her into him, his hands roaming to her waist and lower, "your body is the only one I notice, and it wouldn't be a bad thing if you gained a few more pounds."

"What…" she said, "you think I've been gaining weight and getting fat?"

"I don't think you're getting fat," he assured her, his hands moving along her backside, his body now pressed intimately with hers. "I think your body's beautiful," he whispered as his hands caressed her. "Silky and soft, and I love that your hips seem to be just a little rounder, I crave your body just the way it is, and always…" he said softly upon her lips, "always unbelievably sexy."

"Uhmm…" she said smiling back, "you think my hips are rounder."

"Just a little," he kissed her, "it suits you."

"I admit I have gained a couple pounds."

"Stress eating too, that's not like you."

"I know, especially," she said without thinking, "since for a few days, I could hardly eat anything."

"What…" he asked, "when, you didn't tell me you weren't feeling well."

"It's nothing, really," she brushed it off, realizing it could lead to a more serious conversation, one she wasn't ready to ponder.

"Meredith, no secrets."

"When you were away…" she stated simply, "it's ok now."

"It will never be ok," he said without breaking their gaze, but a serious undertone had changed the earlier mood, "the things I said."

"You apologized and I understood. We've talked about it, we needed to talk about those things and we agreed not to let things get out of hand like that again."

"Sometimes," he said, "I don't even understand why you're so forgiving."

"I love you," she told him, "it's that simple."

"I've hurt you…" he started, and a lump formed in this throat, "so much."

"Derek, we're getting married. We've worked through that, and we're talking and I know I can come to you with anything now, and I have. I'm not holding back saying what I think or feel."

"No regrets?"

"None," she answered without hesitation.

"I love you Meredith."

"That's what matters Derek, that we love each other. No more brooding," she told him.

"We're getting married," he smiled.

"We are," she smiled back and brushed his lips with hers, "and it's happening so fast, I mean we got engaged, and now married…are you sure…you don't want to wait?"

"Meredith," he said as he cupped her face, "why would I want to wait…I've been in love with you …forever…and now…all I want is…"

Her eyes filled with tears and she smiled, "that's what you said…that first time…here…"

"You remember that," he smiled before kissing her lips.

"How could I ever forget," she sighed softly, and their gazes remained locked.

"Well," he teased, "according to Izzie you forgot what you said when I proposed."

"She's taking that out of context, I know what I said," she told him.

"Because I told you," he joked with her.

"What else could I have said," she kissed him softly, "but agree…that I want to spend the rest of my life with you…" her eyes sparkled, "that I want the same things you do…"

"A lifetime…" he said, and captured her lips, and all thoughts of sleep were forgotten as they delighted in the exquisite pleasure of their passion.

Long after he had joined her in bed, they lay naked in each other's arm, moonlight streaming through the window softly illuminating the lovers entwined.

"Derek," she smiled, her head resting on his chest, their hands automatically reaching to lace their fingers.

"Uhmmm…" he responded with gentle kisses on her temple.

"I think" she laughed softly, "our wedding theme has been obliterated."

"Simplicity…" he laughed, "now ballroom dancing and morning coat."

"And no getting naked in a field of flowers," she giggled.

"That is probably the best idea," he teased her.

"Does it bother you…" she asked, "that it got so out of hand?"

"I want whatever you want…"

"Well, that would have been just you and me…getting married…and…"

"Mer…if that's what you want, we can still do that, it's your wedding…"

"Our wedding Derek…but, more important, it's about our marriage, that's what matters to me. I can do this, the big wedding…" she paused and he heard her sniffle, "she may die Derek…she's my friend and she may die."

"I know," he said as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. "But, we're going to do all we can so that doesn't happen."

"She's so excited," Meredith said, "and you know this is what her wedding would be like, but it's not so bad…I told Lexie, a big wedding is not so bad, and the best part is … will be afterwards, our marriage, our lifetime together."

"I do believe you're getting all…what is it Cristina and Izzie say…secret feelings and sentimental crap…"

"Something like that," she laughed softly.

"You're ok?"

"I'm ok," she said and looked up to him and smiled as his lips found hers.

"All right then, a big wedding it is."

"Derek…"

"You realize what time it is now?"

"I know…but…would you have preferred we had gone to sleep," she teased him.

"What do you think?" He asked. Then, added suggestively, "night's still young."

"So it is," she agreed, and continued to share her thoughts with him, and then began to laugh. "Derek, what in the world are they doing, we have never been that loud."

"Don't make me think about it, please," he told her.

"I don't understand why they don't go to Mark's it has to be nicer than the attic."

"He needs to find a place to live, he can't stay at a hotel forever," Derek commented.

"You started to say something the other day, about what your mother thought of him and Lexie."

"You mean the fact she told him she approved, since their age difference was truly not that much."

"Are you kidding, he's almost sixteen years older than her."

"According to Mom, she's what he needs. Someone closer to his age that is, since he has the emotional maturity of a horny fifteen year old."

Meredith did not react immediately, and then she laughed, "your mother told him that?"

"That's what he told me tonight."

"I thought you didn't talk?"

"That wasn't an apology. But…we talk…we always have."

"Do you think he's serious…about Lexie?"

"I honestly don't know. But Mer, he's never stayed with anyone this long…well not since Addison it seems, and he's never thrown punches over a woman before."

"Addison? What do you mean?"

"He stayed with Addison when I left New York, two months."

"He what…you never told me that."

"I didn't know. Not until the day we spoke to the attorney. I wanted nothing but the property in Seattle. I guess she felt guilty that I assumed all the responsibility, since I felt you and I had a relationship and they hadn't. Later that day she told me."

They both retreated behind moments of quiet reflection before she spoke. "When exactly did you find out?"

He repeated how it had happened, "it doesn't matter anymore…it didn't actually matter when she told me."

"It did…" she said, "it obviously mattered a lot."

"Meredith," he said quickly, wanting to ensure she was not second guessing any of their past, "my marriage was long over…"

"That was the same day…your divorce, I told you about Finn…"

"What…"

"In the elevator," she said absently, "I told you I had broken up with Finn…and you didn't react…you just walked out…."

"One more thing," he said, now truly brooding, as he pulled away from her, "to add to the list of times I've hurt you."

"Oh no, you don't," she raised her voice. "Derek Shepherd, we are not doing this anymore…we are talking about things…and turning away is not an option."

"I don't remember much of that day, except I wanted nothing to do with her ever again."

"And I get it…it makes sense now, how you reacted…"

"You don't have to so understanding," he said as guilt reared its ugly head.

"I didn't tell you I broke up with Finn for over a week…"

"You had broken up with him a week before?"

"The day of my surgery, after you left."

"Why? I did what I thought was the right thing. Loved you enough to let you have the better guy."

"But he wasn't the better guy," she inched closer to him, and stroked his face, "it was you I loved, even if you didn't want me."

"I've always wanted you…I just knew I had hurt you, and that day even Addison said not to hurt you again."

"She did?"

"She knew I was in love with you. But then, talking to Finn, he really cared about you and you seemed to have confided in him about things…things you weren't sharing with me. I thought I was doing the right thing."

"If I communicated with him, Derek…it was more like talking to him about you…and I think he realized it…"

"Oh God," he said, and covered his face with his hand before looking at her again, "we win the prize for miscommunication."

"Yeah," she agreed, "I guess we did…but not anymore."

"Not anymore," he conceded.

"Seems this a night of secrets revealed."

"What else?"

"Your mom asked Lexie if she was a good girl," she giggled.

"She did not," he laughed.

"She did, and how many sexual partners she'd had."

"My mother would not do that," he argued.

"Thank God she did not ask me, she may not have given you her ring."

"Meredith, you know that doesn't matter to me, it's in the past."

"It is…since you…since prom…there's only been you…"

"Are you conveniently forgetting Finn?"

There was a long silence between them before she locked gazes with him, and then quietly told him, "I never slept with him."

"You never slept with Finn," he repeated, incredulity in his voice.

"I could only think of you."

"You told me, he had plans…"

"And one look from you, and I made love to you instead…"

"Prom…after all those months…"

"Prom…" she stated simply, while their gaze never wavered and remained on each other, secrets long hidden revealed as they looked into each other's soul.

"You thought you could be pregnant, that day, the day of your surgery…"

"I could have been…"

"It would have been our baby…" he said, emotion evident in every word.

"Could only have been our baby…" she smiled, and he found no traces of blame.

"I said horrible things to you…I accused you…" he said, swallowing past the lump attached to his throat.

"Shush…."she soothed, "it's over…look at where we are now…days away from being married…a commitment for a lifetime."

"How…Meredith, how can you forgive all I've said…" he asked, guilt permanently settled in his heart.

"I told you before…I love you…it seems you forgive a lot…when love's involved."

"I can't…" he said, "I'm not so sure I can forgive myself."

"Well, you're going to have to try, because…we're agreeing to put all of this behind us, and in the future whatever comes up, we deal with it…together."

"I'm sorry," he said, and the emotion reflected in his voice was all she needed to accept his sincerity. "I am so sorry."

She kissed his lips softly, her hand tenderly cupping his face. "I know."

"I'm sorry too…" she said, "because I know there are times I have hurt you too."

"Meredith…" she caught him off kissing him tenderly.

"Derek…we're here because of the past…we just learn from all of that…ok?"

"I've failed you so many times…"

"Hey…I'm going to be very angry with you if you don't stop. We can talk. We can talk about it all you want…but not this way, not with you being like this…"

"I do want to talk," he said.

"Then we will," she said and kissed him, assuring him, "about anything you want," and they did, into the early morning hours. The need for sleep was forgotten as other secrets were revealed, few left between them now. Each word, each sentence, each emotion deeply buried and often forgotten bringing them closer; each touch and caress bringing healing.

Several days passed since the night when their emotional intimacy had reached new dimensions, and now another dawn brought their wedding day closer.

"Meredith," he whispered right before shutting off the imminent blaring of the alarm clock.

"Derek…so tired…and sleepy."

"You were asleep by nine last night…you've had more than eight hours sleep."

"It's old sleep…need to catch up…"

"Not today sleepy head," he teased her, "Izzie's planning to torture me by trying on morning coats and tuxedo's you need to be there."

"You weren't there," she protested, eyes still closed, "when she tortured me with wedding dresses."

"That's because it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress."

"I don't believe in back luck…not for us, we're not having any bad luck…"

"I can live with that," he said and kissed her softly.

"Derek," she said suddenly, "it's only five…my shift doesn't start till seven…"

"I know…" he teased her, and pulled her body under his, "but you fell asleep on me last night."

"I did not fall asleep on you."

"Fine…" he joked, "you told me you were going to sleep the minute we walked in the door after taking you to your favorite restaurant."

"I was tired."

"Are you tired now…" he asked, determined to make love to her.

"I …" she paused, as his lips nibbled her neck, biting lightly then trailing kisses to her breast, "not so much…" she said and gave in willing to his touch, responding eagerly and passionately.

"Much better than a quickie," he said as he wrapped his arms around her, and she lay contentedly against him much as she'd done days earlier examining her ring.

"Much better," she agreed. "In fact, it should be part of our wedding vows."

He teased her, "I promise to love, honor, cherish and always wake up to sex in the mornings."

"You ass…" she laughed, "but yes, something like that."

"That will go over well with my mother…and sisters…"

"They're all coming, you're sure…" she asked cautiously.

"Well, when we spoke to Mom and you thanked her for the ring, I think she made it pretty clear she'd be flying in for the wedding."

"I know," she said that, "but your sisters…I don't know Derek…if I can handle Nancy…and what if they don't like me…"

"Mom does…and I love you. That's all that matters."

"Is that your way of telling me they don't like me?"

"No, that's my way of telling you to stop worrying about it, and all that matters is what we think…how we feel…about each other."

"Uhmmm…"

"Mer…"

"I'm just thinking…"

"I know. That's what I'm afraid of."

"Derek…" she paused.

"What is it…you can say anything…"

"I've been thinking, about the engagement ring…I'm not wearing it now, but when your Mom's here…I should wear it."

"You don't have to, she'll understand."

"Derek, I don't think you know your mother very well…"

"And you do…" he teased her.

"She took off her ring. The ring she wore for over forty years…and she gave it to you…for me…she's not going to understand if we tell her I'm not a ring bride…"

"She'll have to…"

"I don't want to hurt her feelings. When she's here…I'll wear it…"

"You will…" he said, and tried to keep the emotion he felt hidden. "That will mean a lot to her."

"I don't want her to know I'm not wearing it," Meredith rambled. "I mean, she may know I don't wear it all the time because of surgery and all, but we won't ever tell her I don't want to wear it…and she can't ever know," she said quietly.

"That I batted it away," he said, "that I so dismissively did something so despicable to the memory of my parent's marriage in an act of drunken anger."

"I understood…" she admitted, her voice becoming quieter, "some of it."

"That's part of the reason," he said, turning her face to look at him, and she saw his shame, "that you don't want wear it…"

They had reached a point that only the truth between them could work. "Yes," she admitted, "that is part of it…"

"If I could change that day…"

"But we can't…"

"You don't ever have to wear it," he said, "I won't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking me. I'm choosing to wear it, when your mother is here."

"I will tell her…what I did…so you…"

"No, you will not. You are not going to hurt her feelings that way."

He started to get up, pulled away from her. "Derek, we are being honest with each other, that's one thing we promised. Nothing changes my feelings for you, so don't get all Meredith like on me."

"All Meredith like…" he was able to smile.

"Dark and twisty and all that…mixed in with your brooding and beating yourself up over things. I love you. I'm not going anywhere."

"Mer…" he smiled at her, holding her against his chest, kissing her neck, "you're getting really bossy even before we're married."

"That piece of paper isn't going to change things Derek…it's only going to make it legal, but this is me…it's been me all along."

"And…that's the woman I love…" he told her, and found her lips.

"Don't forget it," she told him in her bossiest tone, and their laughter echoed through the room filled with the early morning sunlight.

"Want to shower together…we have a little time."

"If we shower together," she joked, "we'll be late for sure."

"We could just shower you know," he insisted.

"Since when," she laughed, as she turned and kissed him quickly before getting up and making the bed. She smiled at what become their daily routine, Derek helping her make the bed most mornings and turning it down, oftentimes before she got home, at night.

Hours later, Meredith sat on her bed, reading over some of her mother's diaries. The day had started with a half ass attempt, she thought, of an apology from her father and ended with an emotional confession and sincere apology from Richard Webber. She had never felt so vulnerable in her entire life. Emotions were all over the place, and she needed to keep them in check or face the inevitable outpouring of dormant grief and sadness combined with forgiveness and hope for her future with Derek, that threatened to spill over at a moment's notice, so she prepared to do what she knew best, avoidance, especially so when she felt Derek's presence.

"I'll carry the box to the car tomorrow," he said, as he placed the box on the floor near the door, "and you can let me know when you want to give this to him."

"Ok," she said, and looked away from him, hoping to postpone the inevitable conversation, "did you eat yet?"

"No, but I brought something. I thought you might want to stay home tonight."

"That's good," she said quietly and got up from the bed and met his stare. The waiting was over.

"Meredith..."

She took a deep breath, still hoping to avoid dealing with the too raw emotions. "You're ok, moving up the wedding? I know it's short notice, but…Izzie's not getting better."

"It's fine. You've had a rough day. Are you ok?"

"Yes," she lied.

"That's good," he said, and she knew he wouldn't drop it. "Tell me what happened with your father?"

"The chief paged us, Lexie and me to his office…"

"He told me. But, I want to know how you feel," he said, and separated the small distance between them, and touched her face softly, placing a gentle kiss on her lips, and felt them trembling, and he saw the reflection of grief and disappointment in her eyes before he gathered her in his embrace and just held her, soothingly massaging her back.

"He read his apology" she said, quietly, unshed tears pooling in her eyes, "over twenty years of holding me at bay…and now… he reads an apology…Derek…my father…all he could feel for me, all I was worth was an apology he read," and as he held her, she felt the safety and love only found in his arms, and allowed the tears to flow, years of the pain of abandonment catching up with her, as he held her and whispered words of love, words that began to make up for those that remained unspoken by her father.

"Then," he said, "on top of that you had to deal with Richard's outburst."

"I would do it again Derek," she looked at him. "Someone had to stand up for that little girl…she had no one…not even her mother to do that…and it's not right…a parent shouldn't do that," he saw the tears continue to gather, "it's not right to disregard a child's pain so blatantly, I couldn't just stand by …she was six years old Derek…just a little girl."

"Like you were," he said, understanding the depth of her emotions, her turmoil. "You were alone and nobody stood up for you …ever…"

"You did," she whispered. "I know you did…today…" she wiped away a tear, "I saw you talking to him, that's why he talked to me…"

"Someone needed to stand up for you years ago. But, no, that is not why he spoke to you. If Richard spoke to you later, it's because he meant it."

"Thank you for today… I needed you on my side, and you were," she was emotional, more so than he'd ever seen her, and he accepted that finally she was letting her guard down. Only with him.

"Of course I was on your side," he said and moved for them to both to sit on the bed.

"You might have thought it was a bit irrational, not inviting him to the wedding."

"I knew it was important to you. Once I understood that, it was all that mattered. And Meredith, he does not need to come. We don't have to invite him."

"He apologized," she said absently, "the man who I've blamed for so much, he apologized, and there was more truth and sincerity in his words than my own father," she said, and he witnessed the heartfelt emotions she'd experienced as she repeated the conversation with Richard, and subsequently, her acceptance of his apology.

He held her close to him, and gently laid her back against the pillow. "Do you have any idea how proud I am of you…for what you did today. Standing up for a child that's been abused emotionally and physically and even at the risk of being suspended…you stood up for her," he stroked her face gently. "You saved her Meredith, what you said to her Mother, saved that little girl from more abuse…and you should be so proud…"

"Someone had to do it…someone had to speak up…and I..." she bit her lower lip, trying to keep her lips from trembling.

"You had no one…I know…but from now on, even if I can't change the past…you'll never have to feel alone again…I promise you…"

"Derek…promise me…" she said, and her tears would not be held back, "promise me…if we…if we don't' work out…"

"I'm not," he interrupted her, "going to promise you anything about us not working out."

"We don't know what the future holds…Derek…and if we ever don't make it…our kids Derek, please let's promise each other we will never put our kids through the pain so many kids experience when their parents…aren't together…"

"I can't promise you that, because I will not accept that there will ever be a time you and I are not together. But, what I will promise you is that you will never have to worry about our children having both their parents there…because I will spend the rest of my life loving you…whatever happens, I will promise you that we will work it out…and it will never affect our children…because, I believed you in that field of candles, when you gave me another chance. I believe that we are extraordinary together, and that will never go away. That's what I can promise you…for a lifetime…we will be extraordinary together."

"You promise…"

"I promise…for the rest of my life," he said, and kissed her softly. A kiss meant to seal a promise that long before wedding vows, would seal their commitment for a lifetime.

"Derek," she said after her tears subsided and she lay in his arms, safe in the comfort of his embrace, safe in the certainty of his love for her.

"Uhmmm…"

"There's a website."

"A website?" He questioned.

"Yes, Izzie has created a website for our wedding."

"You're joking?"

"No, and Rose posted on it, but she's blocked her now."

"You've read it?"

"Yes, while I was with her this afternoon. Derek, and the chief, he left a comment."

"What…"

"Sort of sarcastic."

"Really?"

"Yes, that you should thank him for getting me in the right elevator, which makes sense now, that he knew about the engagement, when I got mad at you."

"Mer you knew he forced you into that elevator, and he said congratulations afterwards."

"I think Izzie's right," she smiled.

"About what…forgetting what you said to me after I proposed? Sort of proposed, since I didn't ask a question," he joked with her.

"No, that after our kiss…that's all I remembered…the rest was a blur...only you…and our kiss…were important."

"That's more than enough for me," he said and kissed her.

"Derek…I'm hungry now."

"Want to eat in bed?"

"No, it's just us at home, we can be alone downstairs," she told him.

"So, this wedding site, do you want her to take it down?"

"No," she smiled. "I didn't read it all, but it can't be too bad."

"We are talking about Izzie, right? Not so bad? Where have you been the last weeks?"

"Ok…so, it can't be so bad…compared to what she's going through…"

"You're a good friend Meredith Grey…"

"They've been here for me…"

"Your family."

"Our family Derek…"

"Our family…and roommates…"

"I love you Derek."

"I love you Meredith," he said, and before they left the room, they shared another kiss. A kiss that spoke of forgiveness and healing; of hope and the love shared that would witness the fulfillment of common dreams, marriage, kids, home, growing old and sharing a lifetime, together.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N January 22, 2010 - __It's been a while since the last chapter was written and I hinted at the possibility of Meredith being pregnant from the begging of this story, but once it was announced that EP was pregnant, waited to see how it would be handled. I wanted as much as possible, to stay with the storyline. Likewise, when I began to write this, it was intended in some way to add what I thought many of us would have liked to see on screen, just a bit more of Meredith & Derek; filling in the blanks. _

_My note in chapter six, mentioned my hope that after the 100__th__ episode would leave us Mer Der fans truly happy; the post it, for me was a huge disappointment and thus left the story as it was. But, as the season progresses there were so many times I wanted to just rewrite the scene, with a little more of Meredith and Derek; again filling in the blanks, like the day he took her home from the hospital, he didn't even look happy, or the decision to have that liver surgery without any discussion of consequences. Anyway, after tonight's episode, I am even more "dazed" than "Holidaze", and thought I'd might resurrect this for a few chapters worth, maybe a total of ten, since both other stories are coming to an end and as much as I want to break away from Grey's when I see a show like tonight, I just can't seem to keep quiet._

_This is just a little glimpse in rough draft, of where this may lead, but don't want to invest too much time writing if there is no interest. Please let me know, if anyone would like to read more. Yes, the author's note is probably longer than this chapter. The first seven paragraphs below pick up from the last chapter written, and brief summary with my interpretation of events, and then as the rest is purely my imagination and how it will not play out on Grey's, but how I'd like to see the blanks filled in. Warm regards, Jasmin_

**Chapter 7 - Disillusions of love **

Months had gone by since the day Meredith and Derek had chosen to give their wedding to Alex and Izzie; a kind, loving, tremendously generous and unforgettable gift. However, his mother and sisters had yet to forgive him and were hardly impressed by the gesture; after all, Meredith and Derek had invited enough guests to fill the church, but his family had been excluded from participating.

Meredith believed their commitment was about the marriage, not necessarily the wedding, and as such had been delighted with the spur of the moment exchange of promises on a blue post it note; promises and vows that had become their wedding in a few seconds time, but in their hearts their marriage held the same commitment as any legally binding ceremony.

They had dealt with George's death, or rather Meredith had dealt with it, by escaping into the pleasure found in their insatiable desire for one another; until forty days after his death when she'd broken down, and in the first of many times when they embraced their wedding vows; rather than avoiding or running, she had allowed him to comfort her. She had allowed her husband to see her vulnerability and in his arms felt safe; not in the way she'd once said to Cristina, about the moment afterwards, the safety of being in his arms after lovemaking; but feeling safe now was about allowing the man she loved, the only man she had ever loved; her husband, to comfort and take care of her.

"It's just you and me here Derek," Meredith had said hours earlier, and Derek replayed her words, their meaning, over and over throughout the night. "You chose ambition."

"So did you," he'd accused, unable to stop the words he knew should not have been spoken. He did not understand, and there lie the problem, neither of them understood the other's point of view, and when she'd told him he'd chosen surgery over love, he already knew and had no doubts something had gone horribly wrong since that morning. Instead of attempting to communicate, just as they had in essence promised the other, he'd snapped back three words that further fueled the flames of disappointment; erected walls of misunderstandings and led to painful and emotional doubts.

The day had begun with an early morning argument, which had ended in a kiss before they left for the hospital, because both agreed that their marriage vows and commitment were their priority.

The day ended in a way they would have never expected, both uttering words that hurt the other and undermined all they had worked for; all they believed their marriage was about. Both failed to honor their wedding vows.

Meredith and Derek spent a restless sleepless night; the first night of their married life where they went to bed not just angry, but hurt and disappointed, even disillusioned.

Derek's eyes were closed, but sleep eluded him for most of the night, as he wondered if it was true, what he'd inadvertently overheard earlier that afternoon. Two of the new interns; he didn't know their names, but one of them had scrubbed in for the whipple surgery, as had Meredith; were discussing his lunchtime conversation and how Cristina, Alex and Meredith had indicated that if there was a choice between surgery and love; surgery would be their choice. He tried to believe that Meredith had gone along with Cristina to humor her, that after all they'd been through, the love they felt for one another was worth more than anything else, just as Miranda Bailey had said so long ago, that it all meant nothing if you had no one to share it with.

Meredith felt betrayed by him. He'd seemingly agreed not to say anything about Richard's drinking. However, she believed that his ambition to become chief had overruled all else, including promises made to each other. If she were honest with herself, she would be willing to admit that they both had failed; equally and miserably. Finally at some point during the night, feeling the absence of her husband's arms holding her all night long; the absence of his familiar warmth against her, she turned on her side and cried silent tears of sadness and doubts about his love for her.

Derek made a point to leave early in the morning without making any attempt to reconcile their differences, and for the first morning of their married life, they did not wake to a morning kiss.

Derek glanced over to her on the bed before he pursed his lips, and tried to maintain his composure. He'd turned down this job twice; both times, he wanted to believe it was the love for her had been the major factor, because he'd wanted more, much more than Richard and Adele's broken marriage. He also knew, loyalty and friendship were important, and Richard has been his mentor. Now, months after his and Meredith's wedding, he no longer knew what to believe. But, undoubtedly, he knew one thing; this was a hollow victory, the interim chief position, because the woman he loved lay in their bed all night without the slightest desire to touch him, to turn to him, to even consider they'd both failed; the laws of post it, unlike earlier the day before, clearly had not prevailed.


	8. Chapter 8

_Thanks to each of you that read last chapter and commented. Wasn't sure where to go from here, though I had some scenes sketched that were really about all those unsaid, swept under the rug scenes between them, but waited for the episode to air, and it wasn't as bad as I expected, thus took a totally different route for this. However, since Meredith & Derek screen time together was practically non- existent, I went ahead and wrote a bit of fill in the missing scenes. _

_Apparently as Derek revealed to Mark and Owen, he and Meredith really do talk. Last week, she was adamant about not revealing to Derek (or anyone) that Lexie and Alex had sex, yet, according to Derek's comment tonight, she told him. So this is not intended as great chapter, nowhere the amount of time I obsess to get it right on SD & HR, and not anywhere the attention to detail I try to give those other two fics. Nonetheless, just making up a bit of Meredith and Derek on screen communication. Not sure if there are more chapters, but leaving it as an option. This is basically, as I said in the last author's note, a therapeutic fill in the blanks for those scenes we don't get to see on Grey's._

_**Chapter 8 - "Post it divorce?" **_

Meredith stood briefly observing her husband before walking in the office, bringing him coffee as a peace offering of sorts, and they exchanged a few words including which tie to pick, she liked the blue; finally a smile from him at her comment that it brought out the color of his eyes, but that changed quickly as he expressed his doubts over his new role, albeit an interim one and then her confirmation once more that she was mad at him as a result of the way he had handled Richard Webber's situation.

She'd been in surgery with Bailey, which had resulted in Derek's first major crisis as chief; while also providing her with the opportunity to basically correct what had gone wrong and in some small way; Bailey had helped her put some things in perspective about how she was handling Derek's new role.

It had been a long difficult day, in particular in the lives of four people; fulfilling the roles of friends, students and mentors, each in their own way admitting failures while desperately clinging to hope; four doctors at various stages of their medical careers.

Miranda Bailey, the common link, helped to bridge the gaps of misunderstandings, setting the course for recognition of wrong doings and apologies, and new earned respect for the man, many labeled disloyal, who'd ended the day honoring the legacy of a man who'd dedicated his life to the hospital.

"Derek," Meredith said in a quiet tone, long after Richard Webber had left, as they continued to face each other without speaking, the distance of the desk between somewhat symbolical of the night before, "it's been a long day, let's go home."

"You can go," he said, as he brought his hand to the back of his neck, the muscles tense from the overwhelmingly stressful the day, "I still have a lot to get done tonight."

She rose and walked to stand behind him, her hands on his shoulders, lightly massaging the tension she was certain had been building since the night before.

"It's been a long day," she said, "and I want to go home with my husband."

"You didn't much care for him last night," he mumbled, unable to keep himself from saying it.

"Derek, you are the one that left this morning without waking me," the light accusatory tone was unmistakable.

"It didn't seem to matter," he cleared his throat, "you made it very clear last night how you felt, your…contempt for me."

"Of course it matters," she said, "and don't put words in my mouth…yes, I was angry with you…but…it was your first day as chief."

"A decision you do not agree with, and wanted no part of."

"I'm your wife Derek," Meredith told him, "and…"

"When it suits you," he told her.

"Then, that is all the time," she said softly and sat on his lap. "Unless you want to just rip up the post it…and we get a post it divorce…"

"Meredith," he said after taking a deep breath, "you don't mean that…"

"Of course I don't mean that," she brushed his lips, "But…I had to say something that was going to snap you out of your…well you said I was acting dumb…I'll say you were acting stupid."

"My wife," he said, her attempt at humor, somehow making him feel lighter, as though one of the burdens has been lifted off his shoulders, "being supportive."

"No," she said. "Your wife…just being…me…"

"You're making light of things," he said.

"I don't like what's happened between us, I don't want to fight or be angry with you."

"Neither do I," he said in a conciliatory tone.

"Can we go home…please?"

Derek reached for her hand, kissing it gently, "I'm proud of you," he said, "of the way you handled the situation today in the OR. Miranda told me, you remained calm, and then did a great job with the second surgery."

"I'm proud of you too," she ran her hands through his hair before she leaned in to brush his lips.

"Are you?"

"I am," she looked in his eyes.

"For what?" he asked. "You think I betrayed him."

"I'm proud," she said, "of my husband…and the way you spoke to the surgical residents, what you said to them at the end of the day…Cristina told me," she said when she saw the look of confusion in his eyes. "You honored the legacy of a man I know you respect, and…I'm proud that you were trying to be his friend, even if I didn't agree with you…"

"I told him," Derek said, "I did want the jobMeredith…but he is my friend. I turned the job down months ago and went to him…he wouldn't listen…and I had a responsibility, as a doctor…we both did…I only wish you could understand, that it was much more complex than that…there were lives at stake if he continued."

"I know," she said, quietly resigned to that truth.

"This job, Mer…it is temporary…until he comes back…the rehab option…I wanted that for him, not to end his career."

"I know that," she said, "and Derek…I'm sorry too…"

"For what?"

"Because…yesterday, I had no right to call post it…it's not meant to be a one way street…and I can't expect…those post it rules to prevail, unless I'm willing to live up to them as well…there's no room for double standards…not about our marriage."

"You were right," he said, "I agree that what we confide in each other…as husband and wife needs to stay between us…"

"I agree. Even though," she told him, "I know you blabbed about Alex and Lexie."

"I didn't say anything," Derek defended himself, "until Mark told me…and Lexie told him herself."

"I know," she rolled her eyes, "she's very upset…he's not talking to her, and I'm not defending her…I'm not…but, she's my sister and she's upset…and I have to be supportive…not of what she did…it was wrong…and Izzie was very hurt, but…I feel I don't know…sort of like the big sister…and she's sad…so…"

"Meredith," he interrupted her, wanting to clear up the more serious issue between them. "I'm sorry too…what I did…using Izzie, I should never have done that…or pressured you that way, I should have tried harder to make you understand why I thought it was so critical…so life threatening, if we didn't do something about it."

"Cristina told me you spoke to Owen," Meredith said, "you didn't tell me."

"Neither of us was willing to hear the other's point of view."

"We need to work on that. It's part of marriage," she said, "even…when our friends and family keep making fun of our post it."

"It's about what's right for us…nobody else."

"What did you and Owen talk about?" Meredith asked him.

"It was before I went to the board. I had honored your request…you calling post it, but I kept thinking that we're doctors…we had a responsibility to patients, and he said something…that prompted me to continue to pressure you."

"What was that?"

"He said that sometimes you don't have too many options but you have to choose, and you do the best thing for the most people…what helps keep the most people alive."

Meredith remained quite, pensive before she spoke. "I understand… I do…that you were trying to do the right thing. But, I also saw it from my point of view…and…somehow, with the Chief…his mentoring, the memories of my mother…it got distorted…the lines were crossed…"

"I should have understood that too…how it would affect you…"

"I felt," she said, "some of the times he was with me…mentoring me…it was really about her…my mother…and part of me found some comfort…that if she chose surgery…if that was more important…I needed to understand…why."

"I'm sorry," he said, "I should have been more understanding of that…that there was a lot more at stake for you…than just the surgeries…"

"Derek," she took a deep breath, "I don't think I really understood it myself…but…I think we really need to try to at least listen to each other…"

"No running," he said, "like you did yesterday…no pushing me away…"

"I think," Meredith leaned into him, rested her head on his shoulder, "we both did a really crappy job yesterday…living up to our vows."

"Yeah…"

"You told everyone…tonight…it was a clean slate…"

"I did," Derek said, "it was the right thing to do."

"Can…can we start with a clean slate too?"

"We can do that," he smiled, though she could see the exhaustion in his eyes.

"Derek," she said, as she caressed his face, "don't let me pull away from you…like I did yesterday…we can't do that…when we most want to walk away in anger…we need to face the situation…not walk away."

"I agree," he said. "But, don't get angry when I won't let you…"

"Love each other," she said as her eyes reflected all the emotions she felt for this man, "even when we hate each other…"

Derek cupped her face, kissing her softly, "especially…when we don't like each other…dislike what the other is doing…that's when we have to remember…"

"I do love you Derek."

"I love you too Meredith."

"Can we go home now?" she said, and smiled suggestively at him. "I missed my husband last night."

"I missed you too," he hugged her, "and this morning."

"I think," Meredith smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, "we need to add something to our vows…"

"What's that?"

"No going to bed angry…"

"I can live with that."

"I didn't sleep most of the night."

"I didn't either."

"I cried myself to sleep," she said in a rare moment of deep vulnerability, "hoping…you'd reach for me, that you needed me…as much as I needed you."

"Meredith," he said tenderly, "I'm sorry…so sorry…and I did need you…desperately."

"One more thing…"

"Whatever you want," he caressed her face with the back of his hand, stroking her cheek with utmost tenderness.

"Will you wake me…with a kiss…every morning?"

"How about," he smiled at her, "whoever wakes up first…kisses the other…."

They smiled at each other, finally the small painful doubts of the last twenty four hours behind them.

"I love you Derek…take me home Derek."

"I love you," he smiled, "it's too bad you know…"

"Too bad," she questioned, "that you love me?"

"That I finally," he smiled at her, the weight had indeed been lifted off his shoulders, "get an office…in this hospital," he chuckled, "and it's a damn fishbowl…"

"A fishbowl…" she giggled, and felt her lips on her neck.

"Uhmmm…too many windows…"

"We could…" she whispered in his ear, and his carefree laughter warmed her heart.

"Let's go home," he kissed her lips one last time, "you owe me…"

"So do you," she said as she whispered in his ear again, "and don't forget…"

"Promises…promises," he teased her.

"You better believe it," she told him playfully, "I can't wait to make love to the chief of surgery."

He bit her bottom lip playfully, "I just want to get home…make love to my wife."

"Derek…" she met his gaze, "our vows…I meant them…forever."

He kissed her softy at first, then briefly deepened the kiss, each gentle touch and loving caress a promise of renewed commitment, "they are…forever."


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N 26 MAR - Thanks to each of you that has continued to express an interest in this story, which as I've said before has been a bit of therapeutic fill in the blanks._

**_Chapter 9 –Valentine's revisited _**

"Mrs. Shepherd," Meredith scowled at Cristina and Alex when she heard Yang's mocking tone.

"Alex, you have a big mouth," Meredith told him.

"Tell us, how was your breakfast?" Cristina taunted her friend. "Did you smile and pose for photos and praise your husband's many talents like the dutiful wife?"

"Dude, that's impossible," he smirked, "since she's not really a wife, and have you ever noticed that post it notes don't have a lot of sticking power."

"You're an ass Alex," Meredith said and walked away, though her friends followed.

"Come on Mer," Cristina said, "it's funny…Shepherd's errand girl rummaging through your possessions."

"I don't know about you," Meredith turned to them, "but I have work to do."

"No more than we do," Cristina said, "unless of course, the chief of surgery is playing favorites, and we all know we can't compete with that," she taunted, "Mrs. Shepherd…"

"Yang," Alex said, "you should have seen Mer's face when Chief Shepherd's," his tone was equally mocking, "flunkie called her Mrs. Shepherd, and told her she's supposed to attend a breakfast because she's his wife."

"Ok," Meredith glared at them, "you can mock all you want, make all the fun you want…except, he is my husband, and he is the Chief of Surgery, and you need to respect that."

Cristina teased Alex, "you better watch it Karev, from what I hear…Shepherd's not too happy with roommates, and Mer's the only reason you're still there, and I don't blame him."

"Who the hell asked for your opinion," Alex retorted, "mind your own business."

"Stop this. Both of you," Meredith said seriously, "you can mock our marriage all you want, but you better show him professional courtesy and respect, he is the chief of surgery."

"You don't," Cristina said.

"What," Meredith turned and looked at her angrily, "are you talking about?"

"You openly defy him, everyone knows you don't support him what he did, betraying the chief. You refuse to wear a ring, be married…legally and you don't want anyone to refer to you as Mrs. Shepherd. We're not the ones that…"

"You know what," Meredith said, "I don't care, and neither does Derek about what anybody says about our marriage. It's valid to us, and as far as the rest…you don't know what you're talking about."

"Right," Alex said, "which is why the entire hospital is talking about how he blackmailed you into accepting that he sell out on Webber, if he offered Izzie her job back."

"Alex," Meredith turned to him, and for the first time realized the seriousness of the situation and the poisonous rumor and gossip mill at the hospital, "he did not …"

"Mer," Alex told her, "the man told you this in the middle of a hospital corridor…and these walls have plenty of ears that have big mouths to go along with it."

"I would suggest," Meredith said to him, "strongly, that both of you stop listening to gossip and concentrate you your jobs, and take your own advice Alex. Mind your own business," she said and walked away.

"She'll get over it," Cristina shrugged, "she's sex deprived. Shepherd and Hunt had the stupid idea of going out for dinner on Valentine's, and I'm sure all of McDreamy's plans were squashed after we had to get back here. She hasn't had sex."

The rest of the day after Valentine's dragged on for Meredith in spite of the flurry of activity; it had been a long twenty four hours, and she and Derek had parted ways with a quick kiss at the elevator after they'd attended the breakfast. Meredith went home hours before Derek was able to leave the hospital.

Meredith was turning the bed down when she felt Derek's presence, before he spoke.

"Hey," Derek said, "are you just getting home?"

"No," she smiled at him, "I've been home a while."

"That's good," Derek said absently and sat down on his side of the bed.

"Derek," Meredith said as she sat down next to him. "I know I disappointed you today."

"You didn't," he said a bit confused, "it meant a lot to me that you were at the breakfast."

"That's what I mean," she said, "this morning, when I told you I wasn't going…I could see the disappointment in your eyes, and I tried to rationalize it…and I still think it was the right decision to follow through with my surgery…but…I also don't want to disappoint you…"

"I understand," he smiled at her, though she knew him well enough to notice it did not reach his eyes, "how important your job is to you, I get it," he attempted to joke, "you don't do brunches…"

Meredith put her arm around his waist, and laid her head on his shoulder. "I want us to make this work," she told him, one hand resting on his chest, "our marriage."

"Do you think," Derek asked, "that it's not?"

"Of course not," she turned her face to look at him.

"I hear a but," he told her.

"There is," she admitted. "I had kind of an argument today, with Cristina and Alex," she said and repeated the conversation.

"Meredith, I'm not sure I understand..."

"When I was talking to them…I realized some things…not that they were right. But…Cristina made some points…and I'd like to know if you feel the same way."

What do you mean?" he asked her.

"Both of them…mock our marriage, our wedding…is it enough for you?"

"You are my wife," he told her as he caressed her face with the back of his hand, "for better or worse…in all ways …"

"For worse…does that include disappointing you? Today…you wanted me to go, you admitted it. It pleased you to have me there…and you say you understand but…"

"Meredith," he said, and she heard the exhaustion in his voice, "I do understand."

"Derek," she said honestly, voicing her fears, "I don't want you to resent me."

"That won't happen," he assured her. "We're in this together…and part of marriage is understanding the other's needs, so don't worry…"

"Derek," she said softly, "that means I need to understand yours too…and I know it's important, so maybe we can compromise…"

"Compromise…how?"

"What if…you let me know in advance, and when something is important enough that you want me there…I'll find a way…"

"We can do that," he said, "only the more important ones…and today Meredith…it's not that I was disappointed in you, just…the circumstances aren't always the best, and I understood you needed…wanted to do that surgery."

"We just need to talk," she interrupted him, "and one more thing, you need to tell me. Do not send some eager the chief can do no wrong and you need to do what he says flunkie, to deliver your message. I did not like someone, a stranger that I don't know, going through my things…in our home."

"Fair enough," he said, "it's my fault. I really wanted to make it easier for you to attend, it was the first function outside the hospital as chief."

"I know," she said, "and I'm sorry I did not support that from the beginning; that woman Derek, she rubbed me the wrong way. I don't want her in our home again."

"I'm sorry," he said genuinely contrite.

"Just don't do it again," she leaned into him, kissing his lips softly.

"If there's anything important, that I really want you to be there," he told her, "I will discuss it with you first. Usually these things are far in advance, and not last minute."

"And one more thing," Meredith told him, "about Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd…"

"I had nothing to do with that," he said defensively.

"You should have," Meredith said. "You have Patricia, she knows better, she's been doing this for a long time."

"Mer…they've probably never had the same situation before with two doctors, and we're married they just assumed…"

"Remember what they say when you assume…" she smiled at him.

"I'll make sure Patricia discusses it with you."

"Fair enough," Meredith said.

"So," he said as he caressed her face, "Cristina and Karev are mocking our marriage…"

"I told them to knock it off…and mind their own business."

"I think what's important is what we think, nobody else matters," he told her and kissed her softly, and she smiled before she reacted.

"Oh my God," she jumped off the bed. "I'll be right back," she said and rushed to the bathroom.

"Mer," Derek went after her and stopped dead when he saw the scene before him.

"You are not supposed to be in here," she turned to him.

"I think I am," he smiled and walked up to her and pulled her into his arms.

"I was going to surprise you," she told him, giving in to the comfort and safety of his embrace.

"You have," he chuckled, "except…"

"Except," she giggled, the infectious sound he adored, "instead of a relaxing bath I'd planned for my husband, in two more minutes you'd have been cleaning a minor flood."

"When did you do this," he asked as he looked around and took in his surroundings, the only light in the room the illumination from the many candles surrounding the tub.

"I turned on the faucet when I heard you open the door a few minutes ago. I decided," she told him, "when I got home…I wanted to do something for my husband…that still thinks Valentine's Day requires dinner and romance…and…beautiful flowers," she said as she glanced at the flowers on the nightstand, "thank you for those."

"But, my wife prefers surgeries and…"

"Your wife," Meredith reached for the hem of his sweater, "loves that you feel this way…but…we don't need Valentine's Day for that…" then began to unbutton his shirt, "we have that…just by being together," and her lips began a trail of kisses from his neck...lingering and prolonging each caress…"any day…any time we are together."

"Mer," Derek said, all signs of exhaustion forgotten as he caressed the length of her body, her naked back resting comfortably against him in the lavender scented tub, "is there anything…you like…about being Mrs. Shepherd," he teased.

Her soft moan was all the answer he needed or sought, as his hands continued their expert exploration of her body, and then her hands began their own journey of his body…each touch and caress guaranteeing they'd find pleasure and fulfillment as they took care to ensure the other's favorite things gave way to a most romantic and intimate post Valentine's day celebration.

"Derek," Meredith said, a smile on her face, hours after their candlelit bath, "you still owe me," she teased, "you promised…in the car."

"You think…" he smiled, his chin resting on her shoulder, their bodies pressed closed together leaving her no doubt what he thought, or how he felt.

"I know," she smiled in anticipation, and in seconds his body covered hers.

"You do know," he said as his mouth captured hers, and the lovers began anew to ignite the fires of their passion.

"I love you," Meredith said, "don't ever doubt that."

"I love you too," Derek said before joining their bodies once again, and throughout the night mingled with the sounds of ecstasy, laughter would also echo through their room, as they dubbed _Mrs. Shepherd make up sex…the best non-Valentine's sex ever._

_AN - ____Regrettably, my enthusiasm for Grey's has waned tremendously, and diminishes each week that passes by with 30 seconds, if that, of Meredith and Derek. This chapter, I decided to revisit Valentine's Day, because, the last scene between them was quintessentially Meredith and Derek and only reminds us of how great they can be, if given the time on screen. The rest of their storyline in the episode, and the week's that have followed have left me without much inspiration or interest in the show. I am not quite sure I can live up to any of your expectations in this chapter, and for that, I apologize in advance. Warm regards, Jasmin_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N 5/1 – The romance you've been longing for… I think, that's what the promo said as they showed us Meredith and Derek on the conference table…and it was a good almost 60 seconds…but, made me want to go back and fill in some more blanks right after the last episode Thursday… even borrowed one sentence for Bailey from Grey's in season two and a line from season 6. A quick bit of MD therapy; probably not the best chapter, but fillers for the lack of them on screen…and things I wish they'd talked about...even a sentence or two…on screen. Oh why…oh why doesn't Rhimes play up their chemistry!_

_Chose the title of this chapter, Pillow Talk, thinking that just as we've seen or heard glimpses of comments from Derek or Meredith on Grey's, it's obvious these two talk…and of course there's not enough screen time to show their conversations, so I decided to "go with it" and played on the idea that in the intimacy of their bedroom they obviously share more than a physical relationship, and perhaps that is the reason we see two rather mellow characters right now, that apparently have really settled into a happy committed "marriage." Thanks to anyone still reading. This revisits episodes 15 & 16, please let me know if you have any interest in future chapters. Warm regards, Jasmin._

_**Chapter 10 – Pillow Talk **_

"Grey, Yang," Meredith and Cristina turned to face Miranda Bailey and met the look of slight annoyance on her face. "Change of scheduling today. Both of you, on scut."

"What?" Cristina reacted immediately, "why?"

"Dr. Bailey, we're both scheduled for surgeries," Meredith said.

"Take it up with the chief of surgery," she was ready to stare them down if necessary, "if you have any complaints."

"That's not fair," Cristina said, "she sleeps with him."

"Your problem Yang. Not mine."

"Dr. Bailey," Cristina insisted, "ma'am I'm on the OR board…a whipple with…"

"Not anymore. Scut, now," Miranda said and then added, "both of you got plenty of practice stitching today."

"You're punishing us…" Cristina said, "because you saw us and…trying not to waste time…just sitting there…"

"You're on scut duty," Bailey interrupted her, "because it's my job to reassess and assign accordingly, and I think there's a need for third year residents to remember what it's like to catch up on charting, run samples to the lab, go over…"

"Dr. Bailey, we weren't doing anything…" Meredith attempted to interrupt, and before she could finish her sentence, with the word…wrong, Bailey interrupted her.

"You should have been listening to your husband," she glared at Meredith. "You want people to believe that post it note…start acting like it means something to be married to him, instead of the whole damn hospital talking about you not wanting to be called Mrs. Shepherd and now you can add being bored with his first reintroduction of the lecture series to that incessant gossip and rumor mill."

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith complained, "Derek understands…"

"If you say so," she stated and walked way.

"Mer, go to Derek, she can't do that…" Cristina pulled on Meredith's arm.

"Yang, you got something you wanna say?"

"No, ma'am…Dr. Bailey…"

"Then move. You're already behind schedule."

"How does that woman know everything?" Cristina whispered, waling alongside Meredith. "How did she even notice…"

"Because I'm doing my job," Bailey suddenly walked next to them, surprising them, "all the time…including not being disrespectful to the new chief of surgery."

The rest of the shift was excruciatingly painful for both Meredith and Cristina, and somehow they new better than to openly defy Bailey's instructions. However, neither had a problem covering for the other as each an opportunity, albeit unbeknownst to them, yet orchestrated by Bailey, to scrub in on a surgery during the rest of the day.

"Mer," Derek said as they worked side by side preparing dinner, "you ok?"

"Yes," she gave him a half smile, and continued preparing their salad.

"You've been quiet," he said, "didn't say much on the way home…"

"I'm fine," she smiled at him again, "just a long day."

"Uhmmm…" he responded as he brought a wine glass to his lips.

"Were you pleased," she asked him, "with the way the lecture went today?"

"I was," he smiled at her, "even if I didn't quite know what to make of Torres' photo presentation," and his comment made her laugh.

"Remind me," she flirted with him, "to delete our racy photos from your laptop."

"We don't have racy photos on my laptop," he smiled, raising an eyebrow slightly, just the way he did before they'd give in to their always insatiable desire, "but…"

"Do you want…" she stopped what she was doing and wrapped her arms around him, "photos on your …" and playfully bit his earlobe before he laughed and she reached for his hand and pulled him along as they kissed their way up the stairs.

Long after their preparations were left unattended, they'd made it back to the kitchen and had dinner; now she lay in his arms, her back pressed against him, feeling safe and loved, only as he'd ever been able to do. Derek spoke quietly, while caressing the length of her body, "want to tell me what's wrong now?"

Meredith tensed briefly, but his hands continued to soothe and she turned to face him. "Derek, there's really nothing wrong," she said, a soft smile on her lips.

"Ok," he said and brushed her lips softly, "but, I know something's bothering you."

"Bailey took Cristina and me off surgeries today…" she said after a pause, while she gathered her thoughts, and he waited, his fingers lightly making contact with her skin, "scut duty…"

"Why…but wait, you were both in surgery and why would she do that…"

"She was annoyed at both of us," Meredith said and looked away from him, "told us to take it up with you…if we had any complaints."

Derek chuckled, "that sounds like something she'd say, but still doesn't make sense…"

"Derek," she said, gaze still averted, "she said we were disrespectful and…" she repeated the conversation.

"Meredith," he raised her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. "If I'd seen you doing stitches with anyone else other than Cristina, I'd have questioned if you were just bored listening to me…but…she is competitive and needs to be at her best to an obsessive degree…and the two of you, you're a team…I didn't always like it…often felt like I was competing for attention…but now," he smiled at her, "I get it."

"Derek," she looked at him seriously, "you told me that…that I'd made you feel that way…she's my friend…my person…but you're my husband…you…"

"I understand," he caressed her face, "I do. She is your person…she's always been there, even when I wasn't…"

Meredith started to interrupt him, "Derek…that's…I don't want you to feel that way…"

"Hey," he kissed her, "that was a long while ago. You know," he smiled, "Hunt calls you the twisted sisters…"

"He what…" Meredith argued, "he should talk…he's twisted…stupid ass…"

"Mer," Derek chuckled, "he's kind of right…and…I've accepted that's our family…that I have two sisters in law," he said, and saw her face light up as she genuinely smiled.

"You actually have three," Meredith told him, "even if I don't really know Molly."

"Scary…" he smiled at her, "Cristina Yang, my sister in law…"

"Don't tell her," she smiled and snuggled into him. "Derek," she said more seriously, "do you think Bailey is right…that I'm not doing a good job…being your wife…"

"You're doing a great job," his hand caressed her cheek, "being my wife…there's nothing I'd change…"

"You already got sex," she teased, "you don't have to say that…"

"But…I want sex again," he grinned.

"Ass…" she giggled.

"Uhmmm…" he smiled, "my wife…apparently, she really loves me…"

"Yeah…" Meredith said softly, kissing him tenderly, "she really does…"

"Does that mean, you're going to tell me what else was bothering you?"

"Nothing…"

"Meredith," he pressed. "I watched you…as Richard spoke about your mother," he felt her body tense again, "and I think it made me understand better, all that's happened, his connection to your mother…talk to me…"

She remained quiet for a long time before she began to talk to him, share some of her thoughts, "it made me remember…her commitment to medicine…that so many times…I'd want to see her…spend time with her so badly…but she was always busy…work always came first…my dad…Thatcher…would bring me sometimes…"

Derek let her talk, learning more about his wife in the way she said things, not necessarily what she said about her mother.

"Maybe Hunt was right," she said, "twisted sisters…except Cristina really admired my mother…was in awe of her…"

"Cristina," Derek said, "admired the myth of Ellis Grey's greatness," and he paused, "but, she loves Ellis' daughter," he said, as he expressed what he'd come to understand and accept about the relationship between the woman he loved and her person.

"I loved her Derek," Meredith said as tears gathered in her eyes, "in spite of it all…she was my mother…"

"I know you did," he said, and he encouraged her to talk, and she did, and he provided the soothing comfort and nurturing lacking in her life through most of her childhood and adult years, and she lay in his arms late into the night, and he made sure he made her recall some happy memories of her mother, while she wanted to learn about his childhood and his father, and they shared bittersweet moments of childhood before they'd eventually and inevitably turn to each other and indulge in their passion once again before the morning dawned.

Most people didn't understand the depth of the commitment that a small frame with a blue post it note held within it. However, for now, as weeks and months passed, it was enough for two lovers long ago fated to be together; time and circumstances would be the true test of those vows.

* * Post 6.16 * *

Meredith smiled as opened the door to their room and saw her husband was still awake. "You waited up for me," she said as she walked toward him and leaned down to kiss him.

"Of course," he said, "even though," he smiled at her, "I've already fallen asleep a couple of times…getting old…" he joked.

"Huh…are you," she teased him, "I bet…I could prove you wrong…"

"I bet you could," he brought his hand to her neck, pulling her closer to him and kissed her, a light moan of pleasure escaping her lips.

"I'm going to jump in the shower…a very quick shower," Meredith told him, "we've been out at the batting cages…"

"Should I wear protective gear," he teased.

"I don't know about the others," she giggled, "but…you…" she nibbled his lips, "the only protection we need is…" she said just as they heard a knock on the door.

"Don't answer…" Derek held her.

"It's Lexie…"

"Or Alex…or Cristina…or a slew of others…"

"She's the only one that really knocks," Meredith told him, "I'll be right back," she said, and sure enough it was her sister and she left the room for a short period of time.

"Derek…" Meredith whispered seductively as she slid into bed next to him, "do you want to sleep," her hands expertly began to entice, "or…can I …"

Derek smiled as she continued her determined exploration, eyes remained closed, and then a soft gasp as she held the length of him.

"I guess," she said upon his lips, "you're up…to…staying awake…" and their laughter echoed through the room as the lovers indulged in each other's favorite things.

"You saw my sister half naked," Meredith teased as they lay on their sides facing each other, "not the way I'd like for you to begin the morning…"

"That was purely an accident," he said, slightly defensiveness, "definitely not my day…especially after I also walked in on Mark…" he told her about opening the door to the storage closet.

"Damn well better be an accident or I'd have to ask Cristina to help with your demise…and she can always ask Owen for help…he's an expert …" she stopped herself. "Crap, that was bad, very bad…making that comparison…I didn't mean that… really…"

"Mer," Derek leaned in to kiss her, "it's ok…and she'd probably have laughed if she'd heard you …it's her sense of humor…"

"It is," Merdith admitted, "I know….but…still bad…especially as I still worry about her, and what could happen if he had another incident…he's not going to therapy anymore."

"Hunt is not going to therapy," Derek commented, "that's not good…he needs to deal with this, PTSD doesn't just go away…"

"I know…which is why I worry that it could resurface anytime…and now I have to worry about Lexie…"

"Family," he smiled, marveling at the change in his wife, how she'd become the nurturing sister to not only Cristina and Lexie but Alex as well. He had seen this side to her begin to unfold, especially after Izzie had left, and she'd hurt Meredith's feelings deeply in the way she'd left Seattle.

"Sisters," she acknowledged, "you were right…your two sisters in law…are both probably a little twisted, not just Cristina…and me…"

"Really," he chuckled, and she went on to tell him about her recent conversation with Lexie about the spiraling disaster of her relationship with Mark and Meredith's concern over the involvement with Alex, her fears that both were going to end up hurt and hurting each other. "I know you don't want to hear this," he told her, "but you need to stay out of it. They are all adults…"

"Derek…she's my sister…and Alex…"

"They are adults…" he insisted.

"Derek," Meredith said, "adults…you think we're dealing with adults…you remember who we are talking about here…including Cristina…and me…rational emotional adult behavior are not our…"

He laughed, "you've made your point…and speaking of sisters in law…yours…"

She looked at him with a blank stare, which made him shake his head and reach to hug her, kissing the top of her head.

"My sisters…" he said, "are really being a pain in the ass…about meeting you."

"Why…" she said, fidgeting in his arms.

Derek cupped her face, "you're my wife…Mom's met you…Kathleen's bugging me, you've already met Nancy…and…"

"Your younger sisters…they're bugging you too…"

"Amy," he said, "not so much…the rebel…she's been keeping to herself…" he told her, wondering himself about what had made his sister become so absent and detached long since before he'd come to Seattle.

"What does that mean…about your sisters…"

"They want to meet you. That's all. But, I thought…maybe…at some point…we could take a weekend…slow doses of the Shepherds…and …"

"You want me to fly home with you…" she said, and he saw the panic begin to set in.

"Hey," he said quietly, "I'm not pressuring you… when you're ready," the back of his hand caressing her check tenderly, "we can talk about it again…ok?"

"Ok," she said finally exhaling, and smiling softly at him.

"So…" Derek said brining the conversation back to a lighter tone, "tell me about the rest of your day. How was your batting? Who was the most competitive, other than Cristina?"

Meredith laughed, "she's now in love with Teddy…"

"She's what?" Derek looked at her incredulously.

"The surgeon Derek," Meredith laughed, "her skills…the love of her life…"

"You never know…hell…Torres…Arizona…"

"That's one thing," Meredith told him, "you never have to worry about, one day when we were in the cafeteria, Callie asked us…you know what we thought, I guess someone had mentioned something about her…we told her… Cristina and I, never a question…we like our boys too much…"

"You damn well better only like one boy…" he told her.

"Jealous," Meredith raised an eyebrow suggestively, "my husband…my world class neurosurgeon…the love of my life…jealous…"

"Yeah…" he captured her lips, "don't forget it…way back when…"

"Viper," she teased, knowing it had always bothered him.

"You remember him…" he pouted, "you actually…"

"I'm teasing you Derek…your expression that day was priceless…and then telling me you didn't get jealous…"

"So…I lied…" he shrugged, and grinned like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"I know," she smiled, "but there's never been any reason for it…ever…you ruined it for me…no one else mattered…once you came into my life…"

"I felt the same way…"

"Well…" she said, pouting a bit herself. "I'm not so sure of that…there was that one thorn on our side…no pun intended…"

"Ouch…"

"Yeah…" she smacked him, "you ass…you're lucky I trusted you…gave you…"

"I am lucky…but you have to know…I've only loved you…the way I love you…I've never felt this way about anyone but you," he assured her, "Meredith, you must know that…after all we've been through…"

"I do know," she kissed him hard, "that's why I can joke and tease you…"

"You mean that?" He asked, suddenly concerned over that period of time in his relationship with her that only led to feelings of shame.

"Yes," she said, "I do…so…no brooding Derek…lighten up…"

"Lighten up…" he said and relaxed. "I really do hope you know…how much I love you and that no one has ever meant more to me…I've never needed anyone as I need you…"

"I do know," she said, "and you should know it's the same for me… Derek…the only man I've ever loved," she kissed him softly, "ever…"

"I do know," he said, "I love you Meredith."

"Me too," she said, just as his beeper went off and she reached for it and handed it to him, and lay in his arms as he called the hospital.

"Well," Meredith smiled at him when he disconnected his call. "While you were on the phone, I've been thinking…though I hate to admit it…Owen's theory about twisted sisters may be right…this morning, Cristina and I said the exact same thing to Lexie…about her relationship with Alex…it's odd…and a little scary," she laughed as she repeated the conversation in the hall moments before he'd met up with her and led her to Avery Harper's room.

"Uhmmm…" Derek pondered, "if Alex is you three years ago…does that mean…you and Cristina expect him and Lexie to…"

"No," Meredith interrupted him, "she's in love with Mark…but pretending she's ok with just sex with Alex…and I know better…"

"You mean," he cocked his head slightly, "you knew all along…it was never just sex with me…"

"How did this become about us…" she smiled teasingly.

"To me," he said as his lips almost touched hers, "it's always about us…"

The rest of the night was undoubtedly about them; lovers whose insatiable passion for the other allowed them to experience new heights of fulfillment and desire.


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N 5/6-Wrote Ch 11 last weekend, but decided to post this 6.17 on its own._

_Glad I'd already posted Ch 10 last weekend and showed that MD really to talk, as we clearly saw tonight. We just don't get a chance to see it. Thinking of some additional chapters on this one, though 6.19 will probably be left alone…afer all, Meredith did say…she was thinking about babies...tonight's epi gave me an idea for a scene that I may just have to write. Let me know if any interest for more fill in the blanks, thanks for reading. Jasmin_

_**Chapter 11 – Intimacies**_

Meredith took a deep breath before closing the distance separating her from her sister, and she too dropped to the ground; though hesitantly at first, she put her arms around her, "it's going to be ok…Lexie…it is…it's going to be ok…"

"He's moving on…" Lexie cried.

"I thought that's what you wanted," Meredith repeated what her sister had said earlier.

"It's…I thought…" she started to say, "he had cared about me…but I was just…"

"Come on," Meredith said, urging her sister to get up off the floor, somewhat uncomfortable with all the emotions; the obvious pain and anguish her sister was experiencing not something she was used to, "we're going home…"

"I'm not…my shift isn't over…I have another hour…"

"It is now," Meredith told her, "let's go…"

"I can't leave…"

"Lexie," Meredith told her, "you're a surgical resident…my husband, your brother in law…is the chief of surgery…I think he'll agree you're in no shape to work another hour…he'll pick the safest choice…believe me…he's had enough problems to deal with and doesn't need to one more resident's mistakes…"

Meredith walked with Lexie to the resident's lounge and changed; the older sister role kicking in as she told Lexie to do the same and meet her in the lobby; meanwhile she attempted to reach Miranda Bailey, but was told she'd already left for the day, and went to talk to her husband.

Hours later, after consoling her sister with comfort food, and offering what she hoped was somewhat decent advice, Meredith sat up reading in bed, waiting for Derek.

"Hey," she smiled as her husband walked in the bedroom and sat on the edge of their bed, "how did it go with Lexie?"

"Exhausting," Meredith sighed, "Derek…she is this mess of emotions…I told her…she should know better…she's not into casual relationships…did you know she told your mother…she's only slept with six…seven men…and well, Alex…doesn't count, like she said it herself… he's like recycling…"

Derek roared with laughter, "Karev's like recycled material…"

"Derek," Meredith reprimanded, "it's not funny…it's pathetic…both of them are on the rebound…I'm convinced of that."

"It's funny," he shook his head, "and you need to stay out of it."

"Did you have dinner," Meredith asked him, "do you want something now?"

"Turning domestic on me," he teased her.

"There's leftovers…and I got something for you…something healthy…we got take out," she mentioned a restaurant she and Derek liked to frequent.

"Thank you," he leaned in to kiss her, "but, April brought me something from the cafeteria a couple hours ago."

"Derek," she pulled back from him with a scowl on her face.

"What…" he leaned in to kiss her again.

"I don't like that girl fawning all over you…I already told you this…and she better not have a key to our house still…"

"What are you talking about…" he asked, genuinely surprised and confused.

"She has a crush on you…"

"She does not," Derek told her, truly unaware of what Meredith meant. "She's just an eager resident…"

"She better not be too eager about anything else…" Meredith mumbled.

"Mer…you're mumbling…" he said, his lips already on her neck, totally oblivious to Meredith's comment's about April; while she, recognizing her husband really hadn't noticed, decided to drop it, "what…did you say?"

"You're sure you're not hungry…" she changed the subject, delighted at the feel of his lips on her skin, "you don't want me to heat up some dinner…"

"I'm certain," he said, "I'm hungry…starving in fact," his hands roamed her body, "and you've already…turned up the heat…" he said as his hands found their way under her shirt and within seconds his hand cupped her breast while his tongue met hers playfully at first, seductively as the soft moans made him smile; nutrients the last thing on their minds.

"I should kill him you know," Meredith said, as she laid her head on his chest, long after they'd made love. "Or maybe you should…maybe punch him out again…or have Owen do it for you…you told him to stay away from my sister…and what did he do…he goes to L.A. and sleeps with Addison…and then has the gall to be condescending and tell her she…"

"Mer," Derek said, without thinking, "Lexie did break up with him…before he…"

"You're defending him…" Meredith raised herself to a sitting position immediately, "you are actually defending that disloyal…bed hopping …manwhore…he should have stayed way from my sister…"

"I'm only saying…she broke up with him and she slept with Alex…"

"Derek…I can't believe you…how you can defend him…he's …he's just…oh…but you are so …" she glared at him, "you...you...ass...brainless…ass…"

Derek figured his best recourse was to keep his mouth shut and let her continue her rant.

"I told you," Meredith accused, "he needed to stay away from her…"

"You're right…" he couldn't help himself, and wanted her to understand he was not condoning Mark's behavior but they both needed to own up to their actions.

"Don't be condescending…" she glared at him.

"I'm not," he said, "Mer…they're both wrong in the way they went about it…"

"You're…" she stopped to look at him, "you're…not just saying that…to shut me up."

"No," he said, "I'm not…"

"Derek," she said, calmer this time, "I know she's an adult…but she's twenty five…he's fifteen years older…and we both know how immature…emotionally I was at that age…about relationships…hell…not even three years ago and I was older than her. Mark should know better…and he should have understood he was asking a lot… for Lexie to accept a grown child and a baby…and not think about the fact she needs to finish her residency…and Sloan is not the easiest person to deal with…Derek…he should have been the mature one…instead he sleeps with Addison first chance he gets…"

"Mer…I'm not defending him…and you are right, he is older, but Mer…he's even less mature than Lexie…we know that…so how can we expect him to behave any other way, and Lexie …Mer…even you were angry with her for sleeping with Alex…still married to Izzie…"

"I know…" she said, "you're right…that wasn't right…"

"So…" he soothed, and put his arm around her, drawing her closer to him and kissed her naked shoulder, "we're both right…and they were both wrong…"

"Derek," she smiled, "they're both a mess…and I think there's still feelings between them…and they're hurting each other…and Mark's an ass Derek…I know Lexie is sleeping with Alex and she pretends it's just sex, but my sister can't do just sex…I know this about her even if she doesn't want to recognize it…which she actually does…but…he's just …Derek, he didn't just sleep with that woman you saw him with…but a patient's daughter…and…now he's asking Teddy out…"

"Mer…" Derek said, kissing her temple, "we can't get involved…they have to figure it out themselves…"

"It's not easy…when she's living here and Alex…and he's your friend Derek…your best friend…"

"We're going to have to try…they need to work it out themselves, and all we can do is be there for them…to give them support…"

"Sometimes," Meredith rolled her eyes as she looked at him, "you're not so brainless…"

"I have my moments…" he teased her.

"Yeah…you do…" she cuddled up to him and kissed him softly.

"I love you," he said as they slipped under the covers, and he held her.

"Tell me about your day," she said. His days had become so hectic since he'd become chief, that unless she was on call, they almost always had time every night, in the intimacy of their bedroom to talk about their day, and there was hardly any subject they did not discuss before the following morning. "I know all was not smooth sailing with Richard…when you picked Owen for the surgery today."

"It wasn't," he acknowledged, and indeed shared his day with her and asked for her opinion on what she'd have done. "He told me that I don't have what it takes to be chief."

"What is he talking about," Meredith immediately came to her husband's defense, which pleased him, especially after the discord between them as a result of the mentoring relationship with Richard and subsequent actions that led to him being chief. "You're doing a wonderful job…"

"You have to say that…you're my wife."

"No," she argued with him, "I don't…and we've had plenty of arguments about it, but I think he's wrong, completely wrong."

"Thanks," he smiled at her, "I appreciate that…"

"What else did he say?" Meredith insisted.

"He said," Derek paused, "let me see if I can remember exactly…that you are supposed to manage surgeons…to help them do what they do the way they do it…not the way I'm doing it…that it takes vision for that and that I didn't have it."

"He said what…" Meredith sat up, "he can't be serious…Derek…he didn't do that…and if he thinks he's right…he had no vision either then…look," she pointed to the drawing behind them, on the wall about their bed, "he did not support you…he did not let you do what you thought was best…he did not let you do that…he stopped you…and there's the proof…instead of him being there for you…to talk it through…he had no vision …and you were stuck with me…a mere third year surgical resident…to talk it out…and figure it out all on your own…so he can't tell you that…"

Derek smiled at her, shook his head lightly, and leaned over her to kiss her softly.

"I did not have a mere third year resident…I had you…my wife…my inspiration…"

"I'm going to give him a piece of my mind…that …pompous…old…"

"Meredith," he said smiling, "I think…we should drop it…it's your opinion that matters…that's all…and he's been through enough…I don't take what happened…how I became chief for granted…he was my friend, my mentor long before I came here…and someday…I hope we can go back to that."

"Derek," she said, becoming pensive, "I never imagined I'd have so much family to worry about," her thoughts on all the people in their lives that she cared about in varying degrees.

"Don't forget," he said, "there's still family in the East Coast…Shepherd's that want to meet you…"

"Oh God…" she said, "I'm not… I'm sorry…you asked me to think about it…and I …"

"It's ok," he said, and kissed her softly, "we have all the time in the world…"

Meredith shivered involuntarily, the words he'd just used making her nervous, a feeling washed over her that made her uncomfortable. But, she dismissed it; there was no reason she had to live her life as in the past, waiting for the other shoe to drop. She was married, to the one night stand that became the love of her life, and she was not going to feed any insecurities or fears. He was right, she thought, of course they had time; they had the rest of their lives together.

"We do…" she said and kissed him with immense tenderness, "you told me Derek…you wanted a lifetime…and I'm holding you to that…"

"I'm planning on that…Meredith…a hundred and ten…in your arms…"

"We'll be pretty old and senile and wrinkled…but I'm counting on that…"

"So am I," he said. "What's going on with Cristina?" he asked; no doubts about who else she was worried about; though she kept in touch with Izzie, part of him resented the way she had made Meredith feel when she'd basically told her there were no relationships of any significance for her in Seattle.

"I know you'd tell me not to get involved…so you're not going to like what I did…"

"What did you do?"

"It's not Cristina…I don't even think she knows there's anything wrong…but Derek," she turned to look at him, "I think Owen has feelings for Teddy Altman."

"What are you talking about?"

"I watched him today," Meredith shared her observations and repeated her conversation with the trauma surgeon, "told him that Cristina was finally happy…that if he messed with that…I'd turn on him…"

"Did you point out," Derek said, "that the two of you…you're a team…unbreakable…"

"I did," she smiled at him, pleased her husband finally recognized Cristina's role in her life, "were in tune with her feelings and reactions, "actually…I told him that exactly…explained to him…what being a team meant."

"What did he say?"

"He tried to brush it off when I first brought it up, something about them being friends…and he is right about one thing," she bit her lip, "Mark is a public health hazard…"

"But you pointed out to Hunt that he was jealous," he repeated her earlier comment.

"I don't want her to get hurt," Meredith told him, "she doesn't mention it, but Burke…the way he left…he took something from her Derek…and she's just now opening up. I want her to find what we have…"

"That's impossible," he told her.

"It's not…Derek…you believe in all that…soul mates…and…"

He silenced her with a deep longing kiss before he said anything and then, "she can't have what we have…because…you and I…what we have…is extraordinary…"

"If," she said, her eyes watering, "you're trying to make me all emotional and sentimental," she kissed him back tenderly, "you're succeeding."

"Just telling the truth…" he kissed her again, "Mrs. Shepherd…"

"I can live with that…being Mrs. Shepherd…like this…"

"Oh…" he said, his lips now traveling along her neck, making their way slowly and playfully toward the swell of her breasts, "I can think of lots of other ways…you can live with…and fully enjoy…being Mrs. Shepherd," and her quiet moan was but the prelude to a night of passion; a night of lovers fulfilling every desire; a night filled with the sounds of mutual ecstasy and surrender.


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N 5/20/2010 –This story, as you know, began as a therapeutic outlet after the bat/lemon scene I positively abhor, and the many that seemed to remain unresolved and swept under the rug. Then, it was a way to fill in the blanks. Mer Der fillers for the lack of them on screen…and things I wish they'd talked about. Some of you have read my other stories, and especially SD & HR I've taken great care for their accuracy, this story is not as intense about that. This last chapter of "snippets" was simply to bring this story to an end, as it should, with the season finale._

_A few weeks ago, I wrote... oh why doesn't Rhimes play up their chemistry! Well, maybe she's finally getting it…that we Mer Der fans are a big part of the audience. The season finale will let us know the fate for the next chapter in their lives. I'm cautiously optimistic about Mer's pregnancy, though given Rhimes thought for Derek to say "Fetch" when he batted his mother's ring away was a good idea… I think you may understand my reservations. _

_Thanks to each of you that has read this story. To each of you that has commented, my heartfelt appreciation. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Chapter 12 – Whoville's Shiny Happy People  
**_

"I love you, Meredith," Derek softly kissed her shoulder and nuzzled her neck as he drew her naked body closer to his.

"Me too," she said and settled into the warmth of his embrace, content to lay in his arms, as his hands caressed her sated body. It seemed like ages, she though, since she'd told Cristina how it felt to be in his arms, about that moment afterwards, when the world stopped. A heavy sigh escaped her; silence had been her coping mechanism then; now, she needed to talk, she craved the intimacy and security of their communication.

"Mer…what's wrong," Derek said quietly, his lips on her shoulder again.

Meredith took a deep breath and shifted her body to face him, "we need to talk," she said and felt his entire body become rigid against hers.

"What about," he said, and looked away briefly, guilt weighing heavily in his mind.

"Look at me," she touched his face, and he met her eyes and relaxed at her soft smile.

"You're smiling."

"You're brooding…please don't…"

"Mer…"

"Derek," she caressed his face again and reached for his hand, entwining their fingers, "when you came in tonight…you apologized…"

"I meant it…today," he shook his head, "how I behaved was …"

"Derek," she leaned into him, pressed her forehead against his, "I'm sorry too…"

"You don't…"

"Derek," she kissed him silent, and they both gave in to the language they knew best, until both a little breathless, she continued. "I was very angry, furious with you…"

"I know…"

"But," she told him, "no matter what happens…no matter how angry I am at you…it was wrong to create a scene. You're my husband, and I was angrier because of that, but you're the chief of surgery…and I should have discussed it with you privately, as a matter of respect…"

"Uhmmm...all that anger, and you're not mad at me now?"

"Whoville…" she smiled at him, "I told you."

"Mer…you're quoting Dr. Seuss?"

"So you know about that…"

"Doesn't every kid?" he smiled at her, "that book's older than I am."

"I guess not," she said with just a hint of sadness, "I just heard of it today."

"Mer," he asked without truly thinking, "didn't you read that book?"

"My mom didn't think much of it," she shrugged, "I guess."

Derek caressed her face tenderly, "so how did you know about it?"

"Avery," she told him about the conversation, every word reiterating the loneliness of her childhood, and he began feeling reawakened hostility toward Ellis Grey.

"Meredith," he said, "I truly am sorry about how I behaved…there was no excuse for it. I treated you like crap," he smiled, "as Cristina would say, even when you came to talk to me this morning…instead of being enthusiastic about your diagnosing the tumor," he paused, "which was very well done, I brushed it off…"

"You really were an ass," she told him, "but at least I didn't make a scene there."

"You made up for it," he dared to tease her, "in front of the surgical board."

"Derek," she told him, "don't push it…"

"Meredith," he said, "I truly was sorry…it was petty, and I was frustrated, unable to get in the OR and I allowed this stupid sense of competitiveness take over…when…months ago, nothing would have made me prouder…that my wife had made such a difficult diagnosis…and…that maybe, she'd learned some of that from me."

"I'm sorry too…and next time, I'll make sure to take it up with you privately."

"There won't be a next time," he told her.

"If there is…" she smiled at him, a bit of playfulness in her tone, "you won't get off as easily."

"Really," he smiled back.

"Yes," she told him, "especially," she pressed her body intimately against his, her hands roaming his, "if you continue to allow that resident…June is it?"

"June?" he asked confused.

"The one that follows you around like a love struck puppy, she has a month's name," she teased, knowing full well what her name was.

"April?" he said and when she rolled her eyes, roared with laughter.

"You better not encourage her Derek."

"Are you jealous, Mrs. Shepherd?"

Meredith looked around the room, "you have another wife? Seriously Derek…" she joked with him and they both laughed, marveled as well, at the growth in their relationship.

"Meredith," he said, "you're the only woman I notice..."

"Make sure of that," she said, as she proceeded to caress the length of him, "or else…"

"Mer…" his body reacted to her touch as expected.

"Yes," she smiled, and the night has barely just begun.

_A/N The snippet above and the ones that follow are just merely to fill in where I would have liked to see just a little more between Meredith & Derek. I've gone ahead and as the last two chapters, begin or end their day/ chapter in the intimacy of their bedroom. Dr. Seuss' Grinch has been around far too long for Derek to have been as surprised as he was when she said that; I can understand Meredith's lack of it in her life, but not in the Shepherd household. _

_I must say, 6.19…I found satisfying, if only we'd seen it sooner. Lots of foreshadowing there it seems, he doesn't want her to be alone…and we're not making babies right now…just practicing… was sure to become an unexpected baby…so moving right along, a bit of 6.20 fill in below._

Derek's new position as chief of surgery had taken its toll on their time spent together, and both had come to treasure their moments of intimacy; laying in bed late at night or as today a pre-dawn morning talk, at a place that never failed to remind them of the first time they'd realized it wasn't just sex, but they had feelings for each other.

"Derek," Meredith responded to what he'd said with a smile on her lips, "don't you dare ever tell her I said that…she'll likely kill me or worse, want to reveal all sorts of secrets…"

"She has secrets…to reveal…" he said, "about you…uhmmm…I may just have to tell the other half of the twisted sisters…I know being a cardio thoracic…may be better than a drooling groupie."

"Ass…" Meredith said, though the smile remained on her face.

"I love you too," he smiled at her, as she remained laying back against the pillows, and he reached out to touch her face in a gentle caress.

"Derek," Meredith giggled, "she's proud of that title…so I'm really just kidding, but she'd probably be surprised that we talk about things…everything."

"Uhmmm…" she heard him before he leaned over and kissed her softly.

"I'm glad," she told him, "we came out here last tonight…it's been a while…"

"Even though," he grinned, "we almost missed the ferry…"

"That," Meredith got closer to him, "was your fault…I only intended to…let Chief Shepherd know that…"

"Mer," he chuckled, "whatever gave you the idea…to join me in the conference room…uhmmm…"

"Yes…" she said as she pressed herself against him.

"Please," he smiled, that one reserved for her, "keep doing it," he said and their laughter echoed through the walls of the trailer that would soon be replaced by their home.

"I intend to," she said suggestively, "Chief Shepherd…anything you need…Chief…"

"Dr. Grey," he grinned, "you realize…this secret…" he was about to laugh, "love of ours…could be considered favoritism…"

"But," Meredith said, "we know…you don't do that…not even with your wife…"

"Ouch…"

"Derek," she said immediately, "I'm teasing you…ok…don't get all serious on me."

"I'm not," he denied.

"You would…since we fought over it the other day…so it's over ok. Just go with this," she said as her hand reached for him, and he took a deep breath, "more of your favorite things…"

"Your wish…is my command," he said simply.

"Derek," she complained a couple hours later, "you didn't tell me your idea of inspecting the site was to be up before sunrise."

"So much," he teased, "for the love struck intern…turned into nagging wife."

"You did not just say that…"

"I did," he said.

"Fine..." she shrugged, "you can have your little intern continue to fawn all over you…maybe Alex was right…all men just want adoring girls… "

"Hey…" he said, before she walked away, "I'm teasing you…Mer…you know that."

"Sure…" she turned slightly away from him.

"Mer…I don't even notice her," he pulled her to him.

"Alex…" she said, "he's a guy…he knows these things…"

"Alex," he cupped her face, "didn't you and Cristina tell Lexie…"

"Yes, I know," she rolled her eyes, "me three years ago…and whatever…"

"Mer…he's not the best guy to give advice on relationships…and he's not me…and I'm not just a guy," he smiled at her, "not anymore…remember that old line…at Joe's…"

"I know," she smiled back at him, "and I'm not just a girl in a bar either…and I'll make sure I shave my legs …and laugh at your jokes."

"I can't believe that's what the three of you talked about," he chuckled.

"Yeah, well…he gets to hear about everything…especially with Izzie gone…he's sort of had to be a girl for me…a lot…"

"I know," Derek smiled at her.

"You didn't look that pleased," she said as she raised her arms to wrap around his neck, "when you found me in the bathroom while he was taking a shower."

"Uhmmm…I think I handled it very well…and just let him know his brother was there."

"Yes," she said, "you really did…"

"They're your family," he told her, "Cristina and him…"

"And Lexie," she said.

"Yes," he said, "we can't forget your other sister."

"Have you talked to Mark," she asked suddenly, "has he said anything about her?"

"He won't talk to me about it."

"I'm worried about her, because…both of them…I think are hurting and trying to make up for it by being with other people, and that's not going to turn out well."

"They need to figure it out themselves," he told her. "Come on, sun's almost up, let's walk around," and they did as they inspected all that had been done since they'd broken ground for their new home, the very same day he'd become chief.

"Derek," she said as the sun began to rise over their land, "we're going to have a home…here on this cliff…pretty soon…"

"We are…" he wrapped his arms around her, her back pressed against him, "you trusted me…to marry me…build us a home…"

She remained quiet for a long time before she began to talk to him, share some of her thoughts, "I remember…so many times…I'd want to see her…spend time with her so badly…but she was always busy…work always came first for my mother…Derek…do you think I'll be like her…inherit that too…and be an awful mother…"

Derek hugged her tightly and placed a kiss on her neck before he turned her to face him. "I think, you are going to be a wonderful mother…Meredith…I know…deep down in my soul you are going to be an extraordinary mother…to our children…"

"Children…" she said, "I thought we agreed…one and then…"

"Uhmmm…but then you did say…we'd make pretty babies…"

"I guess I did," she hugged him, "and we're exceptionally good at practicing…"

"We can practice," he cupped her face and kissed her, "as long as you want…"

"Can you imagine…"she smiled at him, a tender loving smile, "when it's time to write about that in the Meredith Chronicles?"

"I can't wait," he said as he brought his lips to hers, and the sun it might be said was witness to the future lives of two lovers fated to be together for a lifetime.

_A/N Was so surprised when they mentioned they'd broken ground the day he became chief…shocked really, that I incorporated it in the snipped on 6x20 above, and now continue with 6.21…and the "sensitivity" born of love._

Thankfully, Meredith thought as she waited for Derek, it was a bright clear night in Seattle; hopefully, a reflection of the rest of the day that had been all but that. She'd been bothered by their earlier argument, spent most of the day thinking of what he'd said, the position he was in and the implications to their relationship and their marriage.

She'd gone to find him at the end of the day, the hell of a day he'd had, and he'd chosen to walk away; not from her necessarily, she wasn't thinking like that, but he felt he needed time alone and it bothered her, because, she'd let him down.

Today, she'd realized, when Cristina openly accepted her need for Owen, that Derek had never made it a secret, his need and want of her; his wife, lover and confidant. She, on the other hand, had always relied on Cristina, had become used to her person being there, except now she had someone else in her life; Derek. Her husband, her love, she thought and her face displayed a melancholy smile, her one night stand turned love of her life.

"Hey," he said, startling her as he reached her side, where she was leaning against his car, waiting for him. "What are you doing here?"

"You're always there for me," she said quietly, "even when I don't understand myself…you're there for me," she had thought back to the night long ago, when he would not allow her to be alone and waited for her outside a prison's gate. "I needed to be here for you tonight…"

"You didn't need to wait for me," he said.

"I wanted to…" she said, and her eyes became watery, "needed to be here…for you, needed to know you need me as much as I need you…even if I don't always…"

"Meredith," he said softly, "I always need you…and want you…desperately."

"Oh…" she sighed, and let out the breath she'd been holding, "I was so scared…"

"About what…" he touched her cheek gently.

"That I'd let you down…that you couldn't …wouldn't trust me."

"I love you," he said, and kissed her tenderly, "nothing's changed."

"Can we go home …" she said, "please…"

"Let's go home," he said, and reached for her hand and walked with her to the passenger side and opened the door for her.

"Mark," she said, as she gently squeezed his hand as they drove home, "was quiet?"

"As a church mouse," he said, and they both smiled, though their sporadic conversation gave each the space they needed, as long silences filled the confines of the car.

"Doesn't sound like it fits…Mark, in a church…"

"I think, "Derek said, "he was quiet, partly so I can't ask him any questions either."

"I wish," she said, "they could be happy…my sisters..."

"I wish," he said, "you had no reason to hate my job…"

"I'll be better," she said, "I'll try to do better…I don't want to add to your stress Derek."

"You're not," he told her. "We'll work it out," he said and brought her hand to his lips, "don't worry…"

They held each other through the night; not a night of passion, but of understanding and comfort, as Meredith set out to ensure her husband was secure in the knowledge that she would not betray his confidences; that she was the one he could turn, and somehow, she knew as she felt him finally relax in her arms, it would take more than words; this time, she'd have to show him.

Derek was awakened by the absence of her warm body in his arms. He'd been mentally and physically exhausted the night before, and her tender words and gentle caresses had made it possible to succumb to much needed sleep.

"Hey," Derek said, when he saw her walk toward their bed from the bathroom, "it's very early…why are you up? You ok?"

"Yes," she said, still a bit groggy, "I know better, too much water yesterday, so I was up a few times."

"Uhmmm…you were up more than once…I didn't hear you."

"You were out for the count last night."

"You don't look rested," he said, and she heard the concern in his voice.

"I'm fine…just long days…"

"Mer…we don't talk about it much, but it hasn't been that long since your surgery, and you know it takes almost a year to recuperate fully."

"Derek… don't get all hovery on me now…we know most of the regeneration took place the first two weeks after the transplant, and my check ups have all been good… I'm just tired…"

"You've been tired lately…promise to take it easier…please…"

"Yes," she said as she snuggled into him, "now, can we sleep a couple more hours?"

"Mer," he said, when he heard her sigh softly, long after he thought she'd fall back to sleep. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she pulled his arms tighter around her as he spooned her.

"Uhmmm…I know nothing…and then there's nothing…" he nuzzled her neck, and turned her around to face him, "that means avoiding…so…no running…"

"You're calling post it…" she smiled softly.

"You did say, you'd love me…even if you hate me…"

"Derek," she said, "you …" her eyes watered, "you…think that…I don't hate you."

"I think," he said, cupping her face and kissing her tenderly, "something's on your mind…and you're not telling me…"

She was quiet much longer than made him comfortable, but then she said simply, "I know I disappointed you…and I don't want to do that…"

"Hey," his hand caressed her cheek, "you didn't…"

"You left… you walked away from me last night," once she started, he'd come to discover over the last year, she'd usually tell him all she was feeling. "You chose to be with Mark…hitting golf balls instead of coming home with me…and I get that…I do, you're probably thinking that I've done that plenty of times, going to Cristina, but Derek…"

"Yesterday," he said, "was one of the toughest days since I've been chief…as a doctor in general…facing a man who'd lost his wife…a man who thinks I'm a coward and a murderer…and…I wanted to apologize, to offer my condolences, and I wasn't able to…everything I do and say is controlled by something else…I needed time to think…just a little time…for quiet…to reflect on things. But, there was never any doubt that I was coming home, to you…to be with you…confide in you…find comfort in you…"

"I want," she said, "you to be able to confide in me…need for you to trust me…"

"I trust you," he said, "with my life...with everything in my life."

"You mean that…" she asked as her eyes glimmered.

"I do…"

"Derek," she said softly, "I won't let you down again."

"I know, without any doubts…that I can talk to you, "and then he repeated the words she'd said to him the night before. "I love you…you know that…right?"

"I love you too," she kissed him softy, tenderly at first, "as long as you know that."

"I do," he said, and the tenderness turned to gentle caresses that would inevitably lead to the passion and desire between them, and the new day would dawn with a renewed sense of trust and commitment.

_A/N When I watched the scene between Meredith and Derek at the end of 6x21, hearing them say the so infrequent I love you's and then he walked away, I knew I wanted a scene between them where she was waiting for him by the car, waiting to go home together. That, and that I wanted her to say she wanted and needed to be the one he confided in._

_The rest, I had no idea about, so I just wrote around those two ideas and hope you are not disappointed. It seemed that something similar to the conversation I just wrote, would have led to the scene in last week's episode where she meets up with him in the hall and so frankly tells him she hates his job, and then a hug…_

"I agree with Mer," Cristina said as Derek walked back in to the bedroom, "I hate your job too."

Derek met his wife's gaze and smiled, they'd come a long way; all three of them.

"I thought," he said, handing them each their usual liquor of choice, "you may want this."

"Mer," Cristina said, taking a drink, "you may be right, he may be worth keeping."

"I think," Meredith smiled softly at her husband, "he definitely is."

"Aren't you drinking?" Cristina asked when she saw Meredith bring the glass to her lips and scrunching her nose put it aside.

"Not in the mood," Meredith told her, surprised by the sudden distaste for tequila.

Cristina took another drink, "Shepherd," she said, "you may need Mer's drink, after you find out how plans just changed on that blueprint."

"More changes," he said in a teasing tone, and went to sit by his wife's side.

"She just added a room…"

"You did?" Derek questioned Meredith.

"She's into adopting people…" Cristina said, and in spite at her attempt to hide it, they both detected the emotion in her voice, "you know…taking in strays."

"I take it," Derek met Meredith's gaze, "she told you about plans for your room," he did not miss a beat.

"She did," Cristina said, "and don't pretend you knew about it…"

"I know my wife," Derek said, "and before we're finished, I expect two add two more."

"You do?" Cristina and Meredith said.

"The other three strays…" Derek said with amusement.

"What three…" Cristina said, though Meredith smiled in comprehension.

"Thank you," Meredith leaned into her husband and kissed him.

"Three…don't tell me…I have to put up with …"

"Our family," Derek said, "Lexie, Alex…"

"You said three," Cristina challenged.

"Mark," he told her.

"Manwhore has a room in your house?"

"No," Derek said, "I said two more rooms…"

"There's three people and two rooms," Cristina argued with him, while Meredith just smiled at the banter between them.

"Karev's divorce is now final, and Mer figures Lexie will share a room with one of them; the other one can have the second room."

"You're going to have three quibbling siblings fighting over two rooms," Cristina told him with her usual delivery. "Could be good practice…for the teenager years for your five chatty kids."

"We've had plenty of practice with teenagers already," he told her, "and the frat house," she smiled in return.

Cristina looked at him and Meredith, and saw the shared intimacy in their smiles, and realized Derek would go along with anything that would make his wife happy.

"You know," Cristina said, "I lied to Meredith…told her I thought the two of you could make it…I didn't believe it then…but, I told her what she wanted to hear." She met his gaze, mutual respect reflected in their eyes. "I was wrong…very wrong."

"Does that mean," Derek said, giving her time to disguise her rare sentimental reaction, "I can get my bed back…and you use whatever room's empty?"

"Aren't you getting a little old…" Cristina taunted, "for sex every night?"

Derek smiled, "Mer…am I?"

"Cristina," Meredith said, "go to your room," and the three of them laughed.

Derek's hand was resting on Meredith's, when unexpectedly they felt Cristina's hand gently squeeze their joined hands. "Thank you," she said quietly before getting up from the bed.

"You'll always be welcomed in our home, your room ready for you," Derek said.

"Derek," Cristina said as she reached the bedroom door, "can I make a request, for my room?"

"Cristina," Meredith warned her.

"It's nothing bad," Cristina told her.

"What's that?" Derek said as he put his arm around Meredith's shoulder.

"Even though my room will be on the first floor…" they saw the hint of contained laughter, "can you sound proof the walls?"

"We're doing that in our room," Derek said, "it was cheaper that way, before we get any more requests," and his wife's melodious laughter and Cristina's genuine appreciation for his humor echoed the sentiments each was feeling; those of binding ties brought together by deep love and affection; ties that would intricately and forever link these three people together.

"So," Meredith turned to him and wrapped her arms around him, "you're making the changes to the fireplace… you're sound proofing our room…"

"Mer…" he teased her, "I couldn't agree with her…you never let kids have the upper hand…think of what the others are going to ask for…Lexie…and Mark…"

Meredith's giggles filled the room, "oh…Derek…do you have any idea how much I love you?"

"I'm not sure," he smiled at her, and no words were necessary between them, though he teased her, "but…you can show me…and then I can show you…"

"Uhmm…you know what may be a good idea…" she whispered in his ear.

"Dr. Grey…" he said playfully, "whatever will your husband say…"

"I'm not sure," Meredith nibbled his lip, biting gently, kissing him playfully and then began a slow determined journey, "but I'm counting on Chief Shepherd…"

_A/N 5/20 -Thank you all for reading. There's one more chapter to this, which I will write and post before tomorrow night's final, if there's any interest; a bit of my version of how things could go. Warm regards, Jasmin_


	13. Chapter 13

_**To a mouse – Robert Burns**_

_The best laid schemes of mice and men_

_Go often askew,_

_And leave us nothing but grief and pain,_

_For promised joy!_

_Still you are blest, compared with me!_

_The present only touches you:_

_But oh! I backward cast my eye,_

_On prospects dreary!_

_And forward, though I cannot see,_

_I guess and fear!_

_A/N 5/20 - Dare we hope…that for those of us that love Meredith & Derek…tonight will bring that "promised joy" – somehow, this poem seem fitting, as we fans have spent a weeks's worth of speculation._

_Before tonight's episode, I wanted to post this chapter...certainly not intended to be the best of this story, but I wanted to bring season six to a close before watching the episode. No idea what will happen, but oh…I'd love to see Altman gone! I'm thinking that AA chip was either foreshadowing to Richard "losing" it, or just to let us know 6 months have gone by, which sort of means…Meredith & Derek had an anniversary!_

_I've no medical knowledge, nor devoted time to research as I've done in other stories, but just put down some possibilities in writing, and then will wait to see what fate Rhimes has in store for MD as we approach season seven._

_It's my fondest wish for all Mer Der fans, that tonight, unlike so many other season finales and so often this season, Rhimes will leave us feeling like Meredith & Derek have indeed found their "promised joy" and are looking forward to all he wanted…that they now want the same things. They're building the house…on the cliff with kids bedrooms ready to be filled, and oh but I do hope it's the beginning of their lifetime of dreams that can really come true, even if in different ways than we ever expected._

**Chapter 13 – Death's Sanctuary**

"Noooo…Derek…nooo…Derek…"

Meredith's agonizing scream reverberated through the halls of her once safe haven and sanctuary, as Cristina held her back, attempting to restrain her; preventing her too from being in the line of fire.

"Mer," Cristina said, "Meredith…you can't…" but her friend's sudden strength overpowered her and she rushed to her husband's side, blood staining his otherwise immaculately pressed blue shirt.

The seconds leading to Meredith's race to reach Derek would be forever ingrained in everyone's mind, the scene unfolding as in slow motion, as the current and prior chief of staff were wounded within seconds of each other.

Richard Webber acted instinctively, as the standoff neared its end when the crazed gunman turned to identify what had made the man who'd killed his wife; who'd ended his own, now senseless life, with her death recognized the terror in Derek Shepherd's face, and then the widower recognized Meredith, the woman with the blissful smile whose paths he'd crossed earlier in the day.

"Your wife," the gunman looked over at Meredith and Cristina , and then he looked at Derek, the hollow empty gaze of a man who has nothing left to live for met that of Derek's unadulterated terror. "Now...you can watch her die…in less time than it took for you to declare mine dead," and he turned the gun to Meredith, and Derek lunged forward as he heard her hysterical screams.

"Nooo…Derek…don't…" and then he felt the pain of a bullet in his body, and the impact of another body, as he fell to the ground.

"Noooo….Derek…nooo….derek…" her earlier words echoed over and over as she ran to him, unaware that Richard Webber had been watching, bidding his time to lunge for the man holding his hospital hostage. His quick reaction had prevented Derek from sustaining a more serious injury, but now, he too lay on the floor, had literally taken a bullet for the woman he'd known since she was a child, in his struggle to wrestle the gun away from the crazed and now dead man. His own bullet killing him, as it went off in the struggle.

"Derek," she reached him before anyone else, and she saw the look of pain in his eyes, the almost glassy gaze before she knew he would lose consciousness. She touched him, her hands shaking covered in his blood. "Derek…look at me," she sobbed, "Derek…stay with me…don't you dare die on me Derek…you promised me…"

"I …" Derek tried to speak, "love you…" his eyes filled with tears, "remember that…will love you …forever," he said, before his eyes closed.

"Derek…." she sobbed hysterically, "Derek…" before she was suddenly and physically removed from his side, as the medical personnel took over and rushed to assess his condition, quickly taking him away.

"Mer," Cristina said, "we need to let them work on him…" she said, and watched as Webber too was being attended too, but her only concern was her friend.

"Cristina," Meredith was inconsolable as she watched her husband, still unconscious being attended to, "he can't die…he can't die…"

"He's not going to die," Cristina told her.

"We're having a baby," Meredith all but whispered, "and…he doesn't know…"

"You'll tell him…" Cristina told her, "as soon as you can."

"Cristina," Meredith said, "he…maybe…maybe…he's already gone…"

"Meredith Grey," Cristina scolded, "you listen to me…he is not dead…and he is not going to die…don't you dare think anything else."

"Yang," suddenly Bailey's voice rang out, "scrub in…Shepherd needs surgery stat ..."

"I can't…" Cristina said, "I can't…Meredith…"

"Grey…" Bailey looked at her directly, "get to surgery too…we have no one else ready right now…you need to get to surgery…"

"I'm …I ….Derek…I'm going to be there with him…"

"No," Bailey said, "you are not…scrub in, the Chief…Dr. Webber…needs surgery…there is no other choice… you have to scrub in with me…"

"What about Derek," Meredith said, "who is taking care of him…there's others…"

"He's got the best," Bailey said, as her voice shook his emotion, "in his own words…cardio thoracic resident…who's about to save his life."

"What about…Altman…" Meredith tried to figure it all out.

"She's been shot," Miranda Bailey stated. "Grey…go…"

The moments preceding and following Bailey's words and the carnage left behind by one man would never lose their surreal quality; no matter how many years passed or how many tragedies they witnessed; today the lives of every person at Seattle Grace had changed forever.

Meredith indeed scrubbed in and performed surgery on Richard Webber; he would be fine. Then, she scrubbed out and a violent bout of nausea signaled the first physical symptoms of her pregnancy, exposing her private life, while her husband lay, unaware of it on a surgical transport stretcher.

Refusing any further restraints, Meredith Grey made her way to the scrub area outside her husband's OR, sinking to the floor…now back in full control of her emotions, calm under pressure, she linked her hands together and closed her eyes.

"Dr. Grey," she heard, "you shouldn't be here…"

"Kepner," Meredith said, "they can keep me away from the OR, but I'm not leaving this room, not till I know my husband is ok."

"We can come and get you," she stammered a bit. "Chief Shepherd…he wouldn't want you here. He'd want …"

"You think you know what my husband would want…" Meredith looked at her.

"No…ma'am…Dr. Grey…it's just…you were sick earlier…"

"I'm fine," Meredith said, "and I'm not going anywhere," and closed her eyes, and then as the minutes went by, was forced to look to her side and found April Kepner sitting next to her. "What are you doing?"

"You shouldn't be alone," April told her.

"Aren't there surgeries and patients that …"

"You're the most important person in his life. He would not want you to be alone. He was kind and compassionate toward me, and mentored me when I was ready to give up being a doctor. Your husband gave me another chance."

They sat in silence and then, Meredith asked quietly, her eyes remained closed. "April…do you pray?"

"All the time."

"Will you pray with me now?"

"Yes…of course Dr. Grey…"

"Right now," Meredith's eyes filled with tears, "I'm only his wife…"

"Mrs. Shepherd," April said urgently, "they're done…Dr. Yang's headed here."

"Mer," Cristina Yang said…as the two women's gaze met, tears reflected in both their eyes, "he's going to recovery…you can see him in a little while…"

"He's ok…" Meredith whispered, "he's ok…you wouldn't lie to me…"

Cristina simply shook her head and as she saw her friend's calm demeanor begin to crumble, bridged the distance between them and embraced her as she broke down.

Meredith kept vigil for hours. Cristina never left her side, and was even sympathetic, though she had to disguise some of it, when as morning dawned morning sickness manifested itself violently.

"You'd think," Cristina tried to keep things light, "such a tiny little bunch of cells in a little fetus wouldn't make you that sick."

"You better be nice …speak nicely about the baby…" Meredith told her as she sat with her eyes closed by his bed.

"Mer…" Cristina said, "Mer…he's waking up."

"What…" Meredith said, and got up and rushed to his side. "Derek…Derek…"

He tried to open his eyes. They felt like lead, but he was determined to see her, to make sure she wasn't hurt. Then, blue eyes met her tear filled gaze, "Mer…"

"Don't speak…" she said, "don't speak…"

"You…" he insisted, "you ok…"

"I am…it's you…Derek…don't you dare," she said suddenly, as she broke down, "don't you dare die on me…Derek…you promised to be there…when I'm old and senile… you said…you'd die in my arms at a hundred a ten…"

"Ok…" he whispered, before his eyes closed again.

"Derek," she spoke softly to him, "if you don't get well…I won't ever forgive you…I won't…and…I've got so much to tell you…I love you Derek…please…please…be ok…"

Cristina convinced her to lay back on the chair they'd brought for her, and when in the middle of the night he awakened, disoriented, Cristina explained what had happened, and then woke up her friend and left the two alone; confident Derek Shepherd would recuperate fully.

_A/N - Ok…so I won't be able to post this before the show, unless I finish it here. I have to say, this is the fastest chapter I've ever written, as I got home right before seven and sat down to write. So after tonight…who knows, I may be back…and continue this chapter where this left off. Though, I'm really hoping they do such an amzing job on Grey's tonight, how he finds out he's going to be a dad…that I won't have any need to come back and fill in the blanks. _

_Thank you all for reading the first 12 chapters of Painful Doubts. If you read the last two chapters and found it enjoyable at all, your comments would be so very much appreciated. Warm regards, Jasmin_


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